


A classic story

by AkaneMikael



Category: Tennis RPF
Genre: M/M, couple exchange, quadrangle love
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-15
Updated: 2017-11-26
Packaged: 2018-07-24 03:55:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 44,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7492833
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AkaneMikael/pseuds/AkaneMikael
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A young Rafa satisfies an obsession when he manages to take Roger, despite not knowing what really love is.  He’ll understand it thanks to Nole that will get in the middle at all costs. But perhaps, after all, Roger also had a bit confused feelings reflecting on Rafa what he feels for Stan.  And if after a bit of relationship comes out the real Rafa? Who loves to dance and who acts first and then thinks and who gives all of himself to 100%? And if at the same time is Nole struggles to take off the mask, a mask of pure survival?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. A small hope

**Author's Note:**

> all started when I watched a Fedal material. I was there and I thought ... 'but it’s impossible that there is nothing between them! See how they love each other! '  
> Simultaneously I watched the djorinka material, convincing myself that perhaps the truth was this. Rafa with Roger and Nole with Stan.  
> And I started writing a fic, in my intention a couple of chapters. Where, in fact, I wrote of these two pairs. Then the hand is left alone, as well as inspiration. And the story is diverted in the usual rafole and fedrinka. But 'usual' is not the right word to describe the fic.  
> The chapters are 38, the fic is over (the original is in italian…) and it’s with alternating points of view of the protagonists. As long as the couple is Fedal, to 'write' are Rafa and Roger. Then Nole comes, and there is also his point of view. Finally fits Stan. Couples mingle, change, things change, and from mid-on we have Rafa and Nole.  
> I always wrote of a certain kind of history, giving to Rafa and Nole roles and characters, but this time I found new material that opened my eyes to know the real roles and characters, in fact they were very different from what I thought.  
> Therefore it’s not the 'usual' story, is much closer to their actual characters and, could only imagine if it were true, to their history. There are new details, new things to discover. I hope you read and you enjoy it. (well, this notes have more sense for my italian followers, because this is not my first fic about them…)  
> The fic is complete, so I put a chapter more often that i can, because i’m translating from italian, that is my language and this fic are wrote and posted in italian in the first. My english is not so good, but better of google translate, so if you want read it, you have to know that i am italian and i’m doing my best for everyone who is not italian! I hope you enjoy the reading. Kisses. Akane

****

  
A CLASSIC STORY

1\. A SMALL HOPE

/Rafa/  


****  
"I welcome him with a big smile that at the same time is tense and I think that is noticed, I continuously rub the lips and I feel so embarrassed, i’m very red, definitely.  
Roger offers me the bottle of wine and I'll take it with a raised eyebrow.  
\- I know we can’t drink, but we couldn’t even meet outside the court! - With that I look him bad.  
\- And why? - I ask angrily. Roger laughs and puts his hands in his pockets.  
\- I don’t know, maybe because we are direct rivals? - I still don’t understand.  
\- But there is no regulation prohibiting to make friends! - Roger laughs and the sun returns immediately.  
\- I know, I was joking! I was trying to justify the wine! - Then I laugh me too and I hit him with a friendly shoulder.  
\- You don’t, you're Roger Federer, you can give what you want! We'll make an exception to the diet! -  
Our diet doesn’t include alcohol and certain foods, but this time will not be a problem.  
Roger surrounds my back with one arm and continues to laugh.  
\- Too hospitable, now! I want more informal or I embarrassed! - So I look surprised.  
\- You embarrassed? - Of course it can’t be, I don’t imagine, it’s not in his character.  
\- Why, sometimes it happens to me too, you know? -  
I squeeze my shoulders puzzled, advancing in the home.  
\- You hide it very well. - So nods.  
\- It’s my talent! - To think, he's good at managing emotions, seems almost English in this. Who knows what he really feels.  
\- Do you ever get mad? - Roger follows me laughing, able to relax with incredible ease, it's really crazy.  
\- Often, but i’m good at hiding this too! - I shake my head placing the wine on the kitchen and looking for the corkscrew, i rebuke:  
\- Yes, okay, but you should also let you go, sometimes. I hope that you do it with someone, otherwise then you’ll burst someday. - So Roger shrugs and leans on the table, crossing his arms over his chest.  
\- Well, I do ... - I would like to ask with whom, with me I never saw himself completely, but I've never seen much off from fields and tennis structures before now. But if he don’t say, it’s out of place to ask.  
I close the speech opening the bottle and pouring a bit in two glasses, give him one and I warn him.  
\- I am a teetotaler, so i taste, but nothing more otherwise I don’t answer to me ... don’t be offended! - Roger laughs again, and every time he does, I have a dip inside me, I feel just die somehow.  
It’s a nice way to die, to watch him laughing.  
Clinked glasses with an 'us' classic, after we drink.  
Obviously not slow to give me a dangerous feeling of euphoria, so I put it down immediately.  
\- For all I know, it's good. -  
\- I know that ‘you know’ is poor if you're a teetotaler! - And his sincerity is spontaneous and doesn’t bothered, in fact I find myself laughing.  
\- Gotcha! - We continue to joke and it turns out that dinner is ready, but cooked by my mother, with whom I live since I'm more outside than inside because of the tennis season...  
\- And I hate having strangers who clean the house, they arrange and cook... so in the end the solution was to live with her, that menage all of this when i am not in house! Otherwise she would be alone, I have always regretted. My sister lives with us, but she's more on her own than here ... but these changes of residence are recently ... -  
I explain to him while I put the pots full of food, on indications of mom. I think he know that my parents are separated from little, I hope he doesn’t want to talk because I try to avoid the subject with great cunning. I hate to think about it.  
\- Flying on your comic distrust of strangers and why you may not care alone at home... but why they are not here tonight? - Press my shoulders and set the table, he offers to help me, but I refused categorically.  
\- Because I didn’t know if you’d like it, buy you dinner is one thing, stand with the family is another. -  
\- But at least they know that I'm here? - Putting down the cutlery I turn around and I look at him shocked.  
\- Seriously? Would you like bulletin speak of us to dinner in an hour? And then my uncle would kill me! At dinner with the enemy? He is strict about these things ... - Laughing together again, we continue to talk a little of these things as long as his question:  
\- In short, you tell me why this invitation? -  
After the shocking news of my separate, just after Melbourne, I needed to distract me, something that would make me feel good again, alive. And he's the only one with this natural advantage. But I can’t tell him so I blush and I shrug, take the chalice with wine and the bottle and put them at the table, instinctively I sip a little to give me courage, but he comes forward, he take it, and turns it upside down in the sink.  
\- I don’t want you drunk in ten minutes! I want to enjoy the real Rafa hundred percent! - He has an sounding almost persuasive, comes out well. Or maybe I perceive this. I bite my lip in distress, flushed.  
\- Because I have the feeling that you hated me after Melbourne ... - From where we came from very little. I won, he not.  
He had a legendary collapse in the final, against me, and then at the ceremony was crying a lot. I didn’t know how to console him. He assured me that he was fine, but I was not convinced.  
\- Are you kidding? - Asks struck by what I said.  
\- I want to be sure that everything is fine between us.  And it's ok. I ... we didn’t talk, I wanted to wait for you to go over ... but I'm worried about what's happened in the final. I follow you from your beginnings and I've never seen the collapse as well. I don’t know if it’s right, but I just wanted to be sure that you were well again, that everything was ok ... although, losing when you want to win doesn’t make much ok, but I mean ... - I begin to speak to embarrassed and I would continue for a lifetime, if not interrupt coming on in front of me and taking me by the arm, just below the shoulders.  
\- I'm fine, thank you. It was very nice to invite me to dinner to make sure on me. It’s beautiful and no one has ever done. Thank you very much. - I sigh, even though I feel like dying in looking so close, feeling his hands on me. Every time I do it on the pitch I just finished playing, I have the adrenaline a thousand, is different. I have the courage to do many things in those moments. Attacking me to him, put my head to his ... it's different now, it’s another thing. I’m calm, sober, lucid ... and I'm going to faint!  
\- It's not that we have to talk about it, I just wanted to tell you in peace and without ears ... are you okay? That's all. - Roger smiles with the natural sweetness that makes me lose in him, shivers run through me.  
\- Yes, I'm fine thanks. And in this regard I give you my private phone number ... I guess you've struggled to find work phone! - I wide my eyes and remembering it, we separate while i tell the adventures and shock at hearing a strange voice speaking in his place.  
\- I was about to hang up when he said 'but you're Nadal?' And at that point I didn’t know whether to say yes or say 'maybe they were!' I was afraid that then he take to tell me who knows what ... -  
\- Then he identified himself as my assistant and you have pulled a sigh of relief. - Ends for me, because he imagines how it went.  
\- I don’t have an assistant who handles my communication with the outside, so I didn’t imagine to meet this figure... -  
\- I had to hire one, he’s a trusted friend who was looking for work, a degree in ... - He talk to me on why he has an assistant, acts as a filter between him and the rest of the world and allows them to live in peace.  
\- I trust him one hundred percent. - He concludes reassure me, while I put the pot on the table and the one I put in my place.  
\- I think I will steal the idea. - I say then. - Anyway I pulled up an excuse like 'I propose a charity match who proposed to me, I can talk to him?' Fortunately has passed you ... -  
\- You were you, if Rafa Nadal asks to speak with your client, you hand it to him! - I blush while he putting me on a high floor.  
\- Come on, that exaggerated. You're the one with the famous assistant! - Roger laughs.  
\- You’ll never get away, huh? - I look at him innocently.  
\- I?! I'll never joke you! After all, I live with my mother because I am chronically messy! - And then because I couldn’t knowledgeable alone after separation. My sister has had the same idea. So here we are.  
We continue to laugh and joke very well. it’s so easy, there is spontaneous, natural. It seems that we are not rivals tennis.  
And then I have him in my house, it seems to me a dream unthinkable.  
\- But then we will meet your mother and your sister here at any moment? - Asks then after dinner. I look at him in amazement.  
\- What? No! I told them to stay out of balls all night! - Roger looks at me shocked.  
\- Are you serious?! -  
\- Sure! Excuse me, it's fine to live together and everything, but if I want privacy I have to have! My sister is with the boyfriend and my mother with her sister. There are times I wonder if they can leave home, it’s not a problem. Also because I am never here, so the few times I am and I need house free, is not a problem ... - Roger covers his crestfallen face, shaking his head.  
\- You are numb! - Blushing I stand up and leaving everything in this way I go to the salon.  
\- Come on, I'll show you the house. -  
\- And let's all so? - Roger gets up in disbelief.  
\- Yes sure! - As if it were obvious.  
\- Come on, we're fast to... - Start to fix and I caught him by the arm and dragged him out. The hand slips from the forearm to his hand, and so I take him without thinking, he doesn’t give it away and in a moment I lose the right time to leave.  
It’s that once you've had, it's hard to give up.  
\- Look, don’t run away to tidy up ... - He says after that we are in the hallway. I blush and I leave his hand.  
\- You never know! - I mumble.  
Then I throw myself on the show the nice big house and he follows interested me, until we arrive in the bedroom and gets lost looking at the pictures that I hung on the walls, posters and my mess that I have tried to mitigate.  
I feel uncomfortable because hesitates just in here and don’t force him to go out, I stay in the doorway, leaning with a shoulder and impress me his picture in the mind.  
Roger in my room, probably will not return to happen again.  
Sigh.  
I always wondered what exactly is the nature of my feelings for him, if is a great like, an adoration, or if is another thing. I feel confuse every time I'm with him.  
\- So you don’t have it with me? - I ask after a while, reminding the other point to be discussed. Roger shudders from a photo of me as a kid, with the very first trophy won in court that I bite.  
\- What? No! Why should I? - I clutch my shoulders blushing, I put my hair behind the ears uncomfortable.  
\- I don’t know, the Melbourne final was intense, you've cried so much because of me and I never would that you hate me, I care too much to you, to have a good relationship and ... - Roger raises his hands, remaining in standing next to my bed.  
\- Is everything all right between us! I also like our relationship, especially after you showed me your house. As a child you were so cute! - Divert right away, as if not wanting to talk about it, then I get upset and make myself forward.  
\- Why will not you talk? In fact you have a problem with me? You say you're good at hiding. I want you to be honest! - I insist nervous, while my typical explosion invest him.  
\- Rafa ... - Try to placate increasingly standing up next to the bed.  
\- No, because if you are doing the polite but inside you hate me, you owe me, I couldn’t stand it! - More and more hallucinated, I can’t placate me, I can’t. it's stronger than me.  
Things are getting out of my hand, the passion, the fire run in me and he's shocked by my reaction, he leaves hands down and asks me puzzled.  
\- Why are you doing so? - It’s a question that struck me, because maybe it would have been logical to convince me that I am visionary, instead he ask me why I'm shaking so much. And I can’t hold my tongue, I can’t for the fear that my paranoia are true.  
\- Because I like you to die and if you hate me I would not play more peacefully against you, don’t forgive me, I just couldn’t stand it! - Only after I said I realize. Maybe first I was confused, but as soon as I threw it out it seemed clearer.  
Roger is rather shocked.  
His wide eyes.  
What the fuck did I say?  
I put my hand over my mouth and backed away, he doesn’t move, to get out has to pass me, and he has not the courage and now I just want to throw me out the window.  
How could I?  
In the panic, in total panic I don’t know what to say.  
\- Sorry, I should not, it ran away, but I think it's true ... -  
\- Rafa, you shouldn’t feel obliged to lighten the moment as well. I love your admiration, but if there's one thing an athlete can’t stand is the pity! You won, I lost. I played bad, I had a breakdown because I looked at you and I realized that you'd taken everything I had won ... Here's what happened. But I don’t hate you! These things happen, it’s the sport. Now calm down and relax. Everything is alright. You must not do that! - At this point in fact I get back to me, but not quite.  
I look grim and understand what he is thinking.  
\- Don’t think I'm in love with you? And why would I invent such a thing? -  
\- You admire me, you said once I was your player model, you wanted emulate me... you must not confuse admiration with love ... you're young, you're passionate ... but growing up you will understand that things are going different, you have to accept them ... - Try to be reasonable and get me to back down, remains at an acceptable distance, gesturing to calm, the safe tone but conciliatory and I angry because he don’t believe me, I start again.  
\- No you listen, you are who don’t understand! - And so I take off the shirt. Roger shuts up and back to shock than before. I open my jeans and I lower them after I took off my shoes. - I really lost for you! - And so even the boxer, with him becomes a thousand colors. - I want you, I love being with you, talk to you, see you laugh ... and dream to have you. - And with that, I accompany actions to words.  
Convincingly.  
Roger is still and stares shocked, me naked, I approach, I take his face in my hands and kiss him.  
Now that I have disgraced, might as well go all the way.  
When I’ll return in me I’ll kill myself, but in the meantime I have made some of my desires.  
I'm gay, I know since I was little more than a teenager, I had the experience and soon I found myself in front of Roger went into confusion, I quickly realized that I liked. Then I started to idolize. Then did this relationship of esteem and respect. And we started to feel so good together. This sentiment has been fueled. What anyone can try for his idol, he went far beyond because it was fed. And now I'm here between a question and the other to throw myself although I'm not sure of the real nature of my feelings for him. Is love, but what kind of love?  
Often you get it only if you experience and so I got the obsession of trying.  
Now at last it succeeded.  
If the answers are not talking about real kiss, the support on his lips and plot, then push him on the bed, he lets himself go in shock, but then when I sit up, take me by the hips and he tries to reject me.  
\- Rafa, no ... - But I remain insistent sitting on him and I open his pants putting my hand inside his underwear.  
Just I take it, he stop pushing me away and his 'no' becomes a 'aaahhh' which later end up with 'Oh my God!'  
So victorious smile, I put my lips on his neck, and I go back on the ear, wrap him and lick him and he tilts his head to the side, to give himself better.  
I continue to masturbate with one hand, while with the other I do it to me and he no longer tries to reject me. He held me. Until he leans back and lets me do anything I want.  
I get off from his legs, I go on my knees in front of him, I open it and I take it in my mouth.  
I lick and suck it without hesitation, before he gets back in himself and hit me.  
Although is something I would like to see.  
I do it my way down my throat, suck and pull and squeeze and he grows in my mouth.  
He excites, groans, pushes the pelvis and extends entirely on the mattress, on back. When I feel that is about to come, I separate myself and not waste time. I take the condom out of the drawer, I put it to him, I get on the bed in my turn and I start on all fours, leaning toward him from behind.  
I suck the middle finger that I slip between my legs and then inside me. In this he is on fire.  
\- Fuck me ... - I murmur without wasting time.  
It’s all fast, but when start the desire, when start the hormone, you can’t be there to manage it so that it is slow and lasting. You ride the wave, it seizes the day, you do the match point.  
And Roger gets up, rises to his knees on the bed behind me, he touches for a while, then shoves me inside.  
I am certainly not a virgin, prove condoms.  
The thing is easy.  
Very easy.  
Roger it penetrates easily and he is surprised, so I urge him to move and he doesn’t waste time.  
I believe that the wave that captures both shocking, is lost in the absolute pleasure that procure and go toward him. Soon we move our bodies to each other meeting, in unison, with the perfect rhythm that grows, in perfect sync.  
The excitement rises, the groans and also everything fades, everything becomes incandescent. The world is a wonderful haven.  
I come dirtying the bed, then I feel it coming too, it tends everything and he lose in me.  
I smile turning my head, I look over my shoulder and see him with that abandoned enjoyment and I get up with my back, I try his lips and he gives me automatically.  
Open and came towards me with his tongue.  
We kiss and really I can’t be happier than I am now. I never have been.  
Comes to me, he takes off the condom, gets up and throws it in the trash, then goes into the bathroom and washes his face in the mirror shocked.  
I watch him from the bed, I stretched out all wrong, like a mermaid.  
Exhausted, happy, a bit worried about his reaction, still a bit confused about the actual nature of my feelings. It was an obsession to satiate or a wonderful thing to be redone?  
There is a time when no breath, a time when I am terrified.  
Then Roger sighs, shakes his head, and anything that's happened in himself, takes off his shirt that still wore, pulls entirely his pants and underpants and back in the room.  
I open the sheets thus removing the stain that I caused, he lies with me and I take the duvet, I cover both of us and shut the light, while welcome in my chest, I surround him with my arm and kissed his forehead.  
\- You all right? - Roger laughs ironically.  
\- I'll tell you tomorrow ... - Then he disappears with his face against my neck and my hand caresses the soft and wavy hair and I hold tight to me this joy, this little hope of not screwing up.  
Love is something too big and unknown to recognize it on the first try, but I like him and it was amazing to do it.  
He hasn't gone. He looked, he realized what he did and came into bed with me to seek the post fucked pampering.  
Is here, he has not escaped.  
Maybe I can hope ... "


	2. First time is fatal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger's point of view of what he and Rafa have done. After their first time together, and a first of Roger with a guy, he needs to think. But what he'll think?

2\. THE FIRST TIME IS FATAL  
  
  


/ Roger /  


  
"It 'an apocalyptic disaster, that's what!  
I’m fell from the clouds when he’s self confessed, I had never thought to him in that way, never been attracted, but it’s also true that I had not even waste time to think about it.  
If you no have to consider the idea, why would you thinking?  
When he’s self confessed the first impact I thought he was trying to repair something, when he did seriously I panicked.  
And now what?  
And before I know it, I was already doing.  
I was enjoying it, that's what!  
If they don’t tell you to put your glasses, you will never see. But you don’t put them on your own, you don’t realize that you not see.  
Tonight Rafa has forced me to wear glasses, once worn I saw. I saw what I had never noticed.  
Ok, before Rafa he was a kid, almost. He wasn't notable in that sense. Sure, explosive physical, pretty boy, but when there are five years apart, you don’t watch the guys that way.  
Anyway, in general you don’t just look at them if you don’t know you have trends.  
Now is growing, every month is a clear physical maturation, and this is one thing.  
It’s plausible that I look at him seriously only now that he is thrown in my arms and pointed out to me that he’s no longer a child.  
It isn’t normal that I have not ever had homosexual instincts before now.  
I got them?  
At this point I wonder if I had but I ignored them, I’m good to ignore. When I pick an uncomfortable thing, I pretend not to see.  
I think to Stan, one of the few with whom I trust. I've known him since we were kids, he knows aspects of me that no one knows and love him But growing together not help to look at a person with a certain look, you are used to see him in a light and if nothing happens, you no changes perspective ... but now Rafa has thrown in my arms and I let him do. I do it and not only, I liked it.  
'What you did, Roger? What just happened? 'That's what I told myself in the mirror.  
'You had sex with a guy, that's what you did.' I replied.  
'And now?'  
'Well, now nothing. Now it's done. You need time to think and it’s not my style escape as a child. Now I remain and face the reality, but with a clear mind. '  
So I turned around and I stripped.  
'But I liked it.'  
And the point was this.  
I liked it.  
When Rafa has put his hand on my erection, I'm excited right away, otherwise I would have felt revulsion and I would have rejected.  
How it’s that in 27 years I am only now on this point?  
If you are gay, bisexual or what, why only now?  
Then I realize, I just told.  
If one is bisexual you may find yourself feeling attraction and feelings for one of the same sex and may also be one in all your life, for the rest may also be of the opposite sex. Bisexuality is so, often are exceptions that determine bisexuality.  
It’s not said that they are continuous and with so many people.  
Rafa maybe is my exception. Only now because he has tried just now. And because you don’t know until you try, often.  
And then I'm also a bit asleep, apparently. I no have a very active sexuality, don’t always think about sex, i’m not continuously horny.  
Rafa has matured from a physical point of view just now, before he was a kid, now is becoming a man...  
I think about it constantly to justify myself, to avoid more complicated thought.  
I’m engaged to Mirka, she is two months pregnant ... we decided to get married in this year ... I betrayed even before to get she!  
When I get there I shake my head and I get up trying to be quiet for not to wake Rafa. When I understand that is still asleep, I get up and I move in the dark going groping. The eyes are accustomed to the darkness, but I have poor eyesight, I can just make out the door.  
If now leaving the room I meet his sister would be difficult to explain because I am naked.  
I close the door behind me and look around, it's all empty and silent, sigh and turn on the hall light, I try to remember where is the bathroom and when I find it I come in and rinsing my face.  
I'm out, I'm completely out.  
Eventually I even take a shower, trying to get back in me and don’t think that I would try again to have sex with Rafa.  
I'm that kind of man?  
The kind of man who betrays?  
Beyond the bisexuality that at this point is the least ... maybe Rafa will be my only brackets gay, or maybe I'll try again for other things as well ... but the point is ... I’m engaged! I will be father!  
And I'm the kind of man who betrays!  
I did it and I didn’t think, at that time, to Mirka!  
I was there with his hand on my penis and I let him do it!  
Instead of throwing him down I left him to do it. Was beautiful. I have enjoyed.  
And when he put it in his mouth it was devastating.  
For not to say that when he told me to take him from behind I did it without batting an eye, excited like crazy.  
It was great, it was pretty damn nice.  
Point!  
I put on a robe and go out staying barefoot because I have all the clothes in his room.  
I sigh while I try the kitchen where turning on a kettle for a nightcap.  
Traffic in his kitchen as if it were mine, I look at the clock and sigh again.  
It’s four in the morning, I have not slept a lot and I woke up with these fixed thoughts.  
What should I do?  
While the water warms up I try a cup of tea and sachets, I find them and I choose the more relaxed, then I looking out the window.  
I did it, stop.  
Without thinking.  
I wanted it and I did. I have not premeditated, I didn’t come here aware this would happen or would not have come. Thinking I would avoid betraying her. But when I was there, I did.  
I reasoned with the sexual organ, not with the mental.  
Now what do I do?  
I can’t leave her, she's pregnant. Still less I can’t relieve my conscience and tell her!  
Just because she’s pregnant! It’s the second month!  
Roger you're in a big mess!  
You should keep it inside and enough.  
Amen, I did. She will not know and will not suffer.  It’s bad to say, but she doesn’t know, she'll be OK and I'll not do it again. It will be like a parenthesis.  
I put the hot water into the cup and repeatedly soak the bag thoughtfully.  
It was great, it was fantastic.  
And I didn’t imagine I could have sex with a guy so well, it was so incredible. Maybe Rafa is the point, I wouldn’t like to everyone.  
However, it can’t happen again!  
As soon as I say it, a shadow on the door makes me take a shot and almost flip the cup of boiling water.  
\- Rafa, Jesus Christ! - I exclaim taking my chest.  
Rafa is naked as mom did him, very well I must say, and long hair that come to the neck are unkempt and disheveled, his air was wrinkled and frown.  
He rubs the eye as a child and that makes me smile.  
\- What are you doing at this hour? -  
\- I didn’t sleep, I didn’t wake you up ... I did all by myself ... - I signal the towel and the herbal tea and he shrugs approaching barefoot.  
\- You could. I am not at all friendly ... - At this I do a mischievous smile.  
\- Oh, you're wrong, you were friendly too! - Rafa understands that I was allusive and chuckles, then before I can imagine it, he puts his arms around my waist and hiding his face against my neck like a kitten who wants to cuddle.  
The world sees him as a person who is on fire fighting in the field, shouting and chill and rages. But the truth is that he’s sweet and shy. At least with me he is.  
Before he has take from me, this says much about him.  
So surprised I hold me while nestles against me like I have no choice. Or maybe because I want and that's it.  
I surround his muscular body and naked, and known all the things that I've never noticed. I noticed that I like to touch him, caress him. Having him so submissive to me.  
\- Why you not go back to sleep? You're full of sleep! - Rafa remains against me, but slips his hands between us, pulls the strap robe and puts his arms under, in direct contact with my body. This makes me wince. Again his nudity on me, again his pelvis on me, his erection ... Oh God, I'm ready to start!  
\- Because I'm afraid that then you leave without saying goodbye! - as if he knew that this can’t be repeated. Or maybe he was just afraid. And so it makes me fall any hesitation that I had done.  
I hug him again and I close my eyes resting my cheek on his head.  
\- I wanted to talk about it ... but I wanted to wait tomorrow... - He shrugs.  
\- I'm awake. - I smile and take his face in my hands looking at him.  
\- I don’t think so! - I'm gently, he pouts and before I realize, I kiss him. Then I shake myself and I step back. He doesn’t follow me, I close my robe and sit on a chair with herbal tea.  
\- Would you like a bit? It’s remained water! - He shakes his head and sits in front of me.  
\- Well? - And I know what it refers to.  
I sigh and look at the water that takes color, sip, looking for the words I wanted to tell him, I'm not convinced, but that's what I do. I will make him bad, but maybe he already knows.  
\- I'm engaged. -  
\- I know. That’s why I didn’t want to do anything! I never ... I never thought to try, really ... but there I went to the mess because you didn’t believe me and I felt like I was going crazy, and ... - I smile and take the hand,  I draw to me and grip. In this way he stops.  
\- It was nice and spontaneous, I really enjoyed it. I've never done it with a guy, or I've never thought about or had similar instincts. I've never watched with my own eyes, but you have matured a lot physically, you're growing up and when you did those things to me ... wow ... it was amazing! - He smiles shy and I do more confident.  
\- It was nice? - Asks uncertain.  
\- Unbelievable! Really! - He smiles happier and I play with his fingers. - Maybe I'm bisexual, perhaps you are my exception of bisexuality, I don’t know honestly. It happened, and sometimes if it doesn’t happen you can’t see anything. -  
\- But you’re engaged. - Repeat that with which I started, as if he doesn’t wants to delude himself.  
I nod knowingly and he withdraws his hand pressing between his legs.  
\- I am. And she is two months pregnant. - Silence. One of those silences that hardly forget. His eyes will not go away from my memory. This look, this one will always be here when I shut my eyes. - And we decided to get married. -  
I leave silence again because he assimilates my words, and saw that he says nothing, I continuous.  
\- I will not say her anything, I’ll hurt her unnecessarily. And I can’t leave her, now she is pregnant. - So now it remains only one option and he knows it.  
\- So this can’t happen again and that's it. - He concludes alone, dejected, with a faint voice trembling. Eyes downcast. I raise his chin with a finger, he looks at me again and his eyes are shiny, he’s almost crying and I can’t bear it. God, what am I doing?  
I will not make suffer Mirka but he will suffers. Because I reasoned with hormones and not with my head!  
This is the consequence!  
I'm a horrible person!  
Rafa shakes his head and tries to recover, but he can’t.  
\- I'm fine ... It will go away, come on ... - I'm not convinced and I approach him with the chair to hug him, but he shakes his head and gets up.  
\- Come on, let it go ... I will be okay ... I knew that it was going as well, so I was prepared. - I get up too to wrap, worried, but he still shakes and repulses me.  
\- No, I'll be fine, leaves me ... - And so saying it, he goes in the room. I remain a bit here still, standing, sigh and get up my eyes on high.  
He'll be crying alone.  
And how can I leave him?  
On top of that my clothes are there!  
Apart from that we have to resolve in some way, but how do you solve that?  
What a disaster!  
Sighing I resign myself to go to him, the door is not locked, so silent I enter, I open the light and see him on the bed on his stomach, his face pressed against the pillow to cry, he is shaken. Like a child.  
My Rafa.  
What have I done to him?  
He sobs and I can’t tollerate, can’t stand to hear he as well as he is. It's not fair. It's my fault.  
Now I sit on the bed and I stroke his back where the muscles are shaken, go back on the neck, in his hair. He doesn’t reject me.  
I lean over and kiss him on the head, then go down gently on the shoulder and kiss there. Yet. Still.  
And God, I am a terrible person.  
How, the world will never know. But I know.  
I am really the worst of all.  
He slowly stopped sobbing and my hand slides down on the lower curve of his back and then on his buttocks that now are relaxed. The finger slit in. I do a little pressure while with the tongue I draw circles on his shoulder, then I suck right here and the finger find his access. Like tonight.  
Rafa stops crying and fold the leg side to be more open, I go down with the mouth on his shoulder blade, I suck and I continue to go down with my tongue at his back, until I arrive there where is my finger and instead of replacing it, I turn him on back and once I discovered his groin, I open my robe and I take it off, then when I am naked again, I take the erection in my hand.  
I masturbate him until my arrive with the mouth there.  
I lick him slow.  
The feels comes over me, I get excited.  
I'm redoing.  
I wrap him altogether and suck it like tonight he did with me.  
Rafa groaning and his cock gets hard in my mouth. So hard that pushes his pelvis.  
\- Rog ... please ... - mumbles soft.  
My Rafa ... that from the first moment when he beat me I thought he had something different from the others.  
And here he is, what he had.  
I stop, I get up and sit on him astride, he takes me by the hips and address to him, holding an erection in hand.  
\- Are you sure? - Asks surprised. I watch him and for how crazy, wrong and selfish it is, I am sure.  
\- If I don’t do it, I go crazy. - I say.  
So I simply insert it by myself and it’s hard to get because it was lubricated with just my spit, there is not even a condom. And I didn’t prepare before.  
But I do anyway and I close my eyes strong, hold my breath, but I don’t stop. I decided to sit down, to the bottom. Then I lean forward, lean against his chest and I stay on the legs bent.  
Rafa accompanies me with hands on waist and I start to move by myself while I'm hurting, but at the same time remains impressed because it’s something unique.  
Incredibly beautiful and wonderful.  
Rafa moans and this leads me to not stop, then I got his mouth and I find it, I suck him and I feel him moving, he can’t still under me while I do it all by myself.  
So I get up and I settle as he was tonight, Rafa pulls up to his knees, he gets me, and comes back in. Easier now, and it’s also less bad than before.  
It’s a different feeling, the chills are mixed, it’s pure electricity.  
He moves better, stronger and more intensely, he runs deeper and is very excited.  
He get inside, I feel hot from him and is an incredible feeling, I will never forget.  
When he comes out I have an undeniable sense of relief, it was not pure pleasure like tonight, when I took him, but it’s something I will not forget, that has left its mark, I wanted to do. I needed to have it, to feel it, to be his.  
I can’t explain, Rafa is giving me to head, makes me do things I never thought that I would never do with anyone else. I think.  
I'm just losing my mind. Losing to the point that when his hand looking for my member and moves, I come without reservations. As if I expected it.  
Beautiful.  
I was numbed by the feeling on the brink of madness.  
\- You have touched on that point for a moment ... - I say breathlessly, turning his head to the side. He lies down and I settle on the side, my hand on his chest ride up to the face, caress him, I fix his hair, I go to the lips and he licks and sucks my finger.  
\- That 's what makes you have an orgasm when you get fucked. At first it hurts, you have to get used to take inside. But then it becomes a drug. - Exited, I smile again, but I remain calm entwining the legs with his.  
\- Even now I can’t do without it ... I don’t ... I don’t know how it’s possible ... I have never done anything and now ... I can’t stop! - I hide my face against his neck and he surrounds me gently.  
\- This is also normal. You have found who you are. It's like a revelation! When ... when you picked up the racket for the first time, don’t you felt like you couldn’t stop? - In fact, it's right. Maybe it’s so.  
When you realize that you like something you've never seen and tried, then you never get away.  
Upside the head and saying nothing, I kiss him, I impress this moment, this kiss, his tongue with mine. Then I look at him carefully, not to forget a centimeter of his face.  
\- I don’t know what I'll do when I’ll leave from here, I don’t know what I'll do when I’ll see her, and when I’ll see you again. It's true that she is pregnant and can’t take it away, but it’s true that I will see you forever. I can’t escape the duties, but even from ... - Then I look at our bodies connected. - We! - He smiles. He smiles, hopeful, happy. And I want to kill me, but I don’t want to make him cry.  
Mirka is important, but God... if I don’t see him, I would be so bad.  
I couldn’t tolerate it, it's the only thing I know.  
Why? Why I tasted?  
Why did I do?  
The first time was fatal!  
Now I’m a conscious disaster, but before I take awareness of who I am, and less damage I’ll do in future. That's for sure. "


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are in March 2009, in Indian Wells. Rafa and Roger after the 'crime' at home, haven't revised and heard, they left space. But now is the time to see each other again. How he will be gone to Roger which seen his girlfriend and future wife pregnant Mirka? And now what choice will take? He had sex with Rafa, twice, and then said he doesn't think to redo, but doesn't know how to move. Now it's perhaps time to choose.

3\. WHAT THAT HURTS  


 

/ Rafa /

  
"Seeing him again is strange.  
It’s that before I was so upset because after it all happened, we didn’t heard, and now at Indian Wells it's all so damn chaotic.  
Go, take the room, take the court and time for practice and massage room, manage the extras tennis commitments, talk with sponsors and then I get lost.  
And so the agitation because I see him again after that time we 'did everything', takes a back seat.  
Until we meet him in the evening, after dinner, in the hotel lounge.  
It’s all quiet and at the moment there is no one around.  
He came down here to ask for a herbal tea to sleep, I was here because I wanted something to drink.  
It’s so that we meet again.  
We haven’t written messages, nor called.  
He comes, I turn to see who is and look amazed each other.  
Everything stops, the silence is deafening, and the night bartender greets us with admiration and joy. It's no secret that he and I are friends, so we can also meet at the hotel bar in the tournament and stay to drink something together.  
Before the embarrassment prevails, I greet him and smile with my heart going strong as ever.  
Maybe it's the youth, as he says, and I confuse admiration with everything else, however, I would go to bed with him right away.  
Roger smiles sweetly and bending his head to one side, asks me with an intimate voice tone:  
\- How are you? - And I know what is behind this question, I know he would like to say more, but we are not alone, so I take the glass and go to the round sofas, at end of the hall, in the most secluded possible place.  
Roger understands that it’s appropriate to speak again and asks for a nightcap of a particular type and comes to me.  
He sits next to me without worrying about keeping the distances and I'm excited, more than embarrassed.  
I’m glad to see him  first of a hypothetical confrontation in the field.  
I can’t stay very still and I tremble to touch him, but if he doesn’t move, I don’t.  
The bartender brings the tea and come back in his corner, shortly after seeing that we look at him, he disappears behind. It’s a quiet evening.  
Penumbra around, the soft lighting for an intimate atmosphere.  
\- I'm glad to see you again before a probable match. - He says first. I smile.  
\- Me too! -  
\- How are you? Are you OK? - I nod and I squeeze shyly my shoulders.  
\- I imagined you'd break off, I don’t looked for you. I had to leave you your space. -  
\- I know, thank you. But I was concerned, I wanted to know how you were, but I knew that in these cases it ‘s best to leave alone. - I smile too, is so sweet. My eyes shine, I love his kindness.  
\- You don’t have to worry. You have to make your life ... -  
I try to say what I was prepared, but I would like to know how it went with Mirka.  
\- In my life there are so many people to worry about. It’s true that I don’t want to hurt Mirka and then the children that will be, but I don’t want to hurt you either. - The eyes burn me and slam them like a nervous tic, will hide uncomfortable and trying to bite my tongue not to say what I want to say, but he precedes me. - I know which for that I’m late, but I want to try to punish you as little as possible. - That seems clear.  
\- Then you choose her and break with me. Like you said. - I conclude with a broken voice, I sip the drink that I end up for leave.  
I’ll play badly, I already know! Maybe I'll go out soon!  
Roger hears my voice, he know I'm almost to cry and I feel bad, fuck if I feel bed, but I will not let him to know because I knew this would happen!  
\- Rafa ... - I shake my head and put my hand on his knee to show him that I'm fine, but the smile that I offer is so forced that the tears are there. I knew it was going so. - I'm fine, it's the first time I'll see you after it's happened, and even though I knew how it was going, living it’s different. But it's only the first time, then I will go on and I’ll be able to ... - He takes my hand and squeezes, I lift my eyes fast to see if anyone sees, but there is no one and I relax by closing my eyes, I cover the eyelids with the fingers of my free hand and he squeezes the other, squeezes hard. What gives to me, kills me.  
\- I care about you. Really. You don’t know how much. -  
Murmurs.  
\- I know. -  
\- And I don’t want you to be hurt. -  
\- This you can’t control. - I say without opening my eyes and no longer hold the tears. Two big fall silent, stop talking because I sob. I'm holding my breath, at times I faint and he grip my damn hand that I repay and I can’t pull out and say 'leave me alone' and lock me in the room alone.  
I can’t do it.  
Roger approaches me and takes me with both of his, he caress me gently and I shake my head.  
\- I can’t do it. If you do that, I ... -  
\- Me neither. - I open my eyes and look at him.  
\- Are you that can’t be with your wife and me at the same time. I don’t ... don’t even know what you feel about me! You haven’t told me anything! You liked to fuck, but I ... - I'm  going beyond and I stop, breath, wipe nervous my cheeks where the tears still come down and sigh.  
\- I'm trying to understand. - Another sigh. Other dried.  
\- What’s there to understand? -  
\- What do I feel about you. And based on that, what can I do next. -  
\- You can do anything you want, you know? Nobody commands you! Marriage is an institution with rules set by others! Bigoted in any case! It’s a piece of paper that binds you formally, but not in reality! There are no real restrictions that prevent you from doing what you want, if it isn’t a real crime! - I'm go with my revolutionary ideas that take him counterattack, but he listens and struck. Again when I realize that I'm going beyond I stop and breath trying to calm myself.  
\- Don’t listen to me, you are special because you follow a moral, ethic. Try to always be corrected, a good person. Treachery is not a good person. Now she is pregnant, you can’t do the bastard and leave her.  And you're not this person. You are beautiful as you are. I don’t want that you to change your life for me, you don’t even know how you feel, you say ... I don’t ask anything, just don’t be so sweet to me, because otherwise I ... - I just want to kiss him, but I can’t  and the tears back to come out , I feel crushed, so I shake my heads convulsed, I take off my hand, I get up and I go away.  
He doesn’t follow me, he has to think a bit, he needs it. But so what's left? He will not descend to terms, people like him don’t.  
For me there is nothing wrong to be his lover, if it’s for love, and with his wife if it’s for concrete responsibilities like children. And there is nothing wrong in concealing it for not to make her suffer needlessly.  
It’s not anyone's fault if you love one more than another.  
I hated when my parents are separated, there was terrible, but they have worked for my own good. But they have not treated me like an idiot by being together just because it's the marriage and it does so. They would fight for life, making my impossible.  
They are left and found a way to work together, for my own good.  
But for this I don’t believe in marriage, is a piece of paper that doesn’t prevent people to stop loving each other, and to love other people. There is no use!  
The question of betraying during a marriage is relative.  
Roger doesn’t leave her because she is pregnant, not because he loves her.  
Or maybe ... or maybe that's it and I'm deluding of who knows what?  
God, I can’t, I can’t ...  
I feel insane, I have to find a way to distract, not to think.  
Something so strong and so different that can push out of my head. Right now. Or I go to the bottom..  
Like when you lose a game of tennis and to distract, you go to a concert. What the hell has to do a concert with the sport? Anything! But then you're better! Because for those two hours you have not thought of! "


	4. The outburst that needs

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nole comes into the scene, I remind you that we are in the first part of 2009, so we talk a lot of years ago. Nole gets really competitive from that year. And with Rafa it's start talking about serious rivalry from there. We see behind the scenes. It's true that in January of that year, Rafa's parents broke up and he lived it very badly. Between this and Roger, it needs an outburst that makes him forget everything.

4\. THE OUTBURST THAT NEEDS

/ Rafa /

  
"I wander for the structure as a lost soul, and being careful not to be seen, I go in the indoor pool of the hotel that provide for the athletes and out as I am, I take off my clothes without thinking if someone sees me naked.  
And who the fuck is expected to come at midnight?  
Not even understand what I'm doing, I dive in and start swimming, getting stronger, I swim like crazy.  
The water is my element, I love it, I immediately feel better as soon as I am inside. Swimming relaxes my nerves that are falling apart.  
It’s this what I wanted to avoid, what the hell did I care if he hated me, if I could avoid this? It was better! I went to mess me up for a useless thing!  
Now what did I get?  
Suffering!  
Increase the rhythm until I have no breath, my lungs seem to want burst, so eventually I stop at the border, I cling and put my face, panting, eyes closed and so tears, again. That mix with the water that washes my face.  
Why the fuck it must do so bad?  
\- I thought I was the only crazy not being able to sleep and to come for a swim! - The voice catches me totally by surprise, jump in the water and raise my head frightened when I see Novak seated on board, not far from me, with swimsuit and feet in the water, I don’t understand even if I'm dreaming!  
He smiles, he has a beautiful smile surprised and happy.  
\- Scared? - But when he look at me better, he notice that there is something wrong in my eyes. Not for the fact that I don’t smile, although it’s strange given that with him I've always done.  
The eyes are red and swollen and I have the most terrible aspect of the world.  
So he frowns.  
\- You all right? - He asks. I shake my head.  
\- I never swim at night. Neither naked. If I do it, is because I am out of me! - I admit it, because I can’t stand to choke, I can’t really.  
Novak opens his eyes and stares at me surprised that I said that.  
\- Is there anything I can do? - At first I think I have to reject and leave, but then I realize that instead he can help me.  
I have to physically exhausting myself to collapse without the ability to think. That's what I do.  
\- Swim with me! - Novak remains surprised by my imposition, but without reply he drops into the water and looks at me and sees when I'm ready.  
I take a couple of breaths, then launch a sideways glance and I go.  
He begins with me and do a couple of tanks, try to compete and surpass, this leads me to do more.  
I don’t have a real relationship with him, Novak is in the circuit by a bit of years, we clashed a few times, this year begins to be competitive. Time tell if he will be noteworthy.  
But I watch him. Every time I met him.  
Always.  
Novak is a strange one, he looks like a clown, but has a particular focus on certain people. He’s an enigma, he seems a type, but I have the feeling that he is someone else.  
Like the clown behind the trick hide the tears.  
Novak gives me the same impression.  
He’s idiot, he does bullshit, but I think ... I think he's different, actually. It's just that if he makes you laugh, the people don’t break the balls.  
Maybe I should learn from him.  
When we stop, we're both breathless and gives me a nod to go in the whirlpool.  
It’s a swimming pool in the pool that throws out air from beneath, there are underwater benches and you sit on it and enjoy the whirlpool.  
We get here, I remain naked but I don’t care. I sit down, put my arms wide and neck backward, then while waiting for the breath regular lathes, close my eyes and I go out with mind. As if he was not really there.  
He shut up and for a moment I forget his presence.  
Behind the lids back Roger's face and I want to cry and shout.  
So I open.  
It’s not enough getting tried with swim. I have to find something else that don't let me think, that leave him from my head.  
Something I like and I can do now.  
I look Novak staring at me, probably from a lot.  
\- Sorry I'm so asshole, today. I'm completely ignoring you. I forced you to swim with me and didn’t tell you anything. It’s an absurd period. - Novak makes a polite smile and shakes his head with fresh looks.  
\- Don’t worry. - Here's what I said. Behind the mask there is a person very different than he seems.  
It’s as if he detaches a switch.  
As if by magic, I focus on him, about who is Novak, on what he send o me.  
\- You know, my parents are separated recently, and I have done everything to not think about it, I pretend it's nothing, but ... it makes me susceptible to everything, take everything bad, even the nonsense. -  
\- I'm sorry, it's never easy when it happens ... - Comment gently. Our legs are crossed, under water, sometimes touching.  
I like it when it happens.  
\- And then there are sentimental disappointments that make a big mess ... - So I say, as if I talk with everyone. It amazes me that this exit with an almost unknown.  
Nole continues to listen me without asking questions.  
\- Definitely not help. - I shake my head.  
\- I don’t know how the hell I managed to mess me up life, but now I have to find a way out or drown. -  
\- You were crying for this? - He asks. - You're left with your girlfriend? - And I am so out, so damn out,  that I look at him cold and I say exactly the truth.  
\- It's Roger. We're not together, but something happened and then he told me that he got married and he can’t do both. As if a wedding and children prevent love to finish! - Novak listens to me, is impressed by what I say, but don’t bat an eyelid.  
I complain for a while with my ideas.  
I say that marriage is bullshit and doesn’t mean anything, because it doesn’t prevent the relationship ending, so if one falls in love with another, he must be able to do everything he wants, what he feels.  
\- I understand that if there are children is difficult, but believe me that in the long run even them can't stop you from break a relationship that never existed! I ... I think that my parents have never even loved, but children born, and so they did. They waited until we were adult to understand. But that doesn’t make it easier! Only the most stupid! They never loved! So what is the point to stay married for so many years, have children and don’t love each other? Maybe you fall in love with another but you don’t live that story because you have a legal obligation with your wife! But go to hell! - Blurt testily. He listens to my outbursts and a bit goes better in the end.  
\- You know, I agree.  A piece of paper doesn’t tell you if you really love. The others often expect to get married and make a family and you do it for that. Because it does. But maybe you will never love her. Maybe you fall in love, and deprive you of that love because they fulfill the duties of society, it’s foolish. - I look at him in amazement. Maybe it's the first who thinks like me!  
\- Would you betray if you are married and you fall in love? - Novak shrugs and bend his lips.  
\- Yes. I'd do it. In my culture, you have an obligation to marry if you put her pregnant and take care of her and the family, but you see of your personal needs. It’s more normal than it appears to have a lover or go with others if we want it. - Culture. I smile stunned by this mentality but I like it.  
\- I fell in love with the wrong person! - I say at the end. Novak laughs and has an erotic laugh. Or maybe I'm so out of me that I see the erotic. Because I want to distract myself and he is here and is saying exactly what I wanted to hear from Roger, but I know he'll never tell.  
So I bite my lips and look at him with another eye.  
Serious, thoughtful.  
I begin to caress the idea that he might be my distraction.  And when I think, I do.  
I start with my foot, I caress his with mine, under water. He doesn’t move, look at me in the face.  
\- And tell me something else. Do you go with the boys? - Because then maybe it turns out that he is homophobic, after all is Serbian, in this sense they are rigid. We Spaniards are more open to these things.  
But Novak amazes me and responds by lifting the other foot that is not busy with mine and put him between my legs, on the edge where I'm sitting. Then his fingers began to work on my cock which immediately reacts. And I close my eyes and put my head back abandoning myself to the pleasure.  
We don’t say anything.  
And I don’t think about Roger.  
I just think I can still feel fine without him, no matter how, or if it’s momentary illusion.  
But the hotness and shiver go up and I sigh when he move close to me and the foot is replaced with the hand.  
Novak masturbating me and it's like is practical about these things. So with my arm around the top edge of the pool, surround him, I put my hand on his neck, I lift my head and take out the tongue. He comes to meet and play with mine. His other hand slide between his legs to make him the same thing he does to me, he pull out the cock that gets hard and big, not late to get excited.  
So soon we feel that we don’t resist anymore and I get up, I sit outside, I open my legs, I take my erection in hand and watch him.  
Novak stands in front of me and puts it in his mouth, sucking immediately as if he had done a thousand times.  
\- Ah... ah, yes... here... - Oh, he knows how to do this very well!  
Novak increases the rhythm, the excitement continues to give me at head, I don’t think more, I don’t understand anything, just that it's nice and it's just what I wanted.  
When I almost come, while he masturbates himself, I separate him and I go down, I bend on and don’t need to say anything, Novak in perfect sync with me, takes his cock and puts it in me with one fluid motion.  
Oh fuck, he enters immediately. One movement and it’s already here.  
I bow more and open my mouth in a wonderfully long and complete enjoyment.  
Each neuron is disconnected, there are thousands of electric currents that run from the spine and expand into every part of my body, up to the neck. And then under, still excited by the cock dissatisfied. He left me in mid orgasm and now that he is in me, I have that magic feeling from rear to front.  
I continuing masturbate myself while he goes in and out, getting harder, pushing me, with me that urge.  
The world disappears when I come first, not caring that we are in water. It's damn nice to do that here, as well. Novak seeing that I enjoy like crazy, shortly after he comes in and is also wonderful. For a moment there is nothing, only we, he that came in, I that came out.  
Resting my forehead on the edge that I kept while he was fucking and we panting, he surrounds me from behind, and we remain adheres well. His mouth on my neck.  
\- Thank you ... - I murmur.  
\- Never thanked for a fuck! - He says little softly. I laugh and turn my head towards him.  
\- But I needed and it was not your duty. - Novak takes my lips with his.  
\- Believe me, I have taken advantage of you than the other way ... - With this I feel a bit better, but I don’t realize right away what it means and what consequences it can have on my life.  
In the moment is a fuck, an outburst, a way to not feel too bad.  
But then one day things take a different turn, and remember when it started and how.  
I open my mouth and pull out my tongue, how he does, then we unite and we kiss seriously.  
I will not forget.  Although at this time the meaning of fuck has quite another sense. "


	5. No one is a good person

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger left Rafa in tears after he broke up with him again, let's see what his favorite confidant says, Stan, which always has been and always will be his best friend!

5\. NO ONE IS A GOOD PERSON

  
/ Roger /

  
"I never should.  
Nothing of what I did, I should have.  
But I did and now it’s useless to talk with if and with but.  
Maybe one thing is inevitable.  
When we’re destined to a person in one way or another we end up together, even if in a sea of ??errors. Because that's how it absolutely must be.  
How many chances there were that me and Rafa went to bed together?  
It’s useless, I thought about it a thousand times, I’m not come out whole.  
I dirtied, but maybe I see it from a wrong perspective.  
I see it from the perspective of the future father and future husband.  
But I will be husband because I will be father.  
If I wasn’t father, I wasn't husband, and then I have had Rafa to hundred percent. Because I want.  
It takes time, sometimes you meet a person but it isn’t the right time because he’s young and has to grow, the relationship has to mature. But when it happens what should, you will feel anyway, even if in the meantime you'll be with another.  
Rafa tears no leave me alone, the next day I think about it still without a solution.  
I don’t want that he cry, that he’s so bad for me.  
I also don't want that Mirka suffers because she has done nothing bad, but even Rafa. And why I would to hurt a person that I love so much?  
And then after that I went with him... it's like if I knew that my way is the one that I had never looked at. It was there. And now that I know, it’s a fixed idea.  
Is it okay to hurt Rafa, for which definitely feel something, for not cause suffering in Mirka, who I don’t love?  
I’ll be father, it’s true, and in these cases you marry the mother of your children, because that's how you do, and that's it.  
But I will marry her without love.  
I will love my children and others if will come, but not her.  
And so I have to deprive myself of true love because I have a debt with society that sets you must love who you marry and you must marry whomever you put pregnant?  
Rafa is unconventional, is young and Spanish, but he's right.  
Others have decided what it does and I'll do it because I have a role in the world and I want to be left alone and then is right don’t throw these creatures in a world scandal.  
I’m one of the most famous people in the world, at this time, I learned to come to terms.  
This means hold off the reputation, know how to do it, I accepted it.  
What I can’t accept is Rafa’s pain.  
I watch him enter in the hall of the hotel where we spent the night canteen.  
I can’t give him up. To do without him. Not touch him every time I will have him in my hands, not to embrace him, not to speak to him.  
I can’t think of doing that.  
We are two players, we are the best two in the world. We repeatedly meet again.  
His face is wrinkled and contrite, small eyes and frowning.  
I do a little smile because I would only hold him tight.  
I'm here to ask me what to do, while I eat my breakfast, and I see him that crosses with Novak and there is something, there is a time between the two.  
One of those moments.  
Rafa notices him, he stops and almost falls the tray, looks dazed, with an almost sweet smile, embarrassed ... and God, but what is that attitude?  
I look Novak. He has a big smile. Very big.  
It’s particularly happy and is as if he was protective with him, he looked sweet.  
Touches his arm with hand, Rafa trembles, blushes and smiles more. Then pass over.  
My stomach is closed immediately.  
Stan sits with me and I don’t calculate, speaks to me and I don’t answer, is not usual for me and then he ask me what I have.  
\- Anything! - I grunt. Stan is almost shocked.  
\- How anything! You never answer that! - At this point I recover. It's true.  
\- Sorry. - I answer back, I smile. My role, I had forgotten my roles.  
Roger, you can’t afford.  
Then I look at Stan, his light eyes that poses on mine careful.  
\- Hey, look at that with me you can do whatever you want, you know... you're with me, not with a stranger! - I sigh, and when he tells me so, is like I could remember it. So I approached him with the chair and speak quiet.  
\- Later we practice together so I'll tell you. It's something that burns, but I can’t no longer keep it for me ... because I need advice! - I think it's impossible to keep it to myself.  
When we get up from the table together, I meet Rafa that stops, stares at me terrified and changes direction to avoid to say bye, because if he came out with me he had to do it. Then I stop and I watch what he does and since at this moment was coming towards the exit even Novak, Rafa goes to him and takes him by the arm.  
\- I saw that you train at my own time, would you like if we move together so we speak? - Hearing it freezes me. I stop with Stan that wait me without understanding what I have. I still listen, the two pass over ignoring me. Novak nods, smiling.  
\- Do you feel better now? - Asks softly. Rafa hesitate.  
\- A bit. Because of you. - When I hear it, the world fall down.  I immediately understand and it's like Mirka and the children disappears, the famous tennis player Roger disappears, the media, people, fans, ranking, everything disappears. The society doesn’t exist.  
There's only me that I look at the back of Rafa and Novak get away together.  
They spent the night together.  
Rafa was desperate because of me and met Novak and had sex with him!  
Ok, stop Rog. They may have only talked, Rafa was vented and Novak consulate him. Why do I think that Rafa is like a prostitute after all?  
I try to banish their image, but it’s not easy. Stan brings me back to reality.  
\- But what do you have, can you tell me? You're very strange for a while time! -  
To his question I feel that I have to answer or I burst. So I take his arm and I bring him to my room, to take the necessary for training. On the way, I begin to explain everything slowly.  
Stan listens shocked and we go, we change ourselves, we take everything, we go down to the fields and we settle for a start, I do this full confidence taking off an enormous weight, and while I talk about it I do clarity to myself. I see things differently because I have to explain and it’s so crystal clear, that Stan has an easy task.  
\- Are you idiot? Who the fuck cares about the society, the world and I don’t know what? You don’t love her, marry to an obligation. Point. You have feelings for another who returns to you, the only obligation you have is to yourself, are you that will live with yourself to death, not the people, ranking or God Christ! - This his outspoken reaction is his typical! It makes me laugh, a liberating laughter, relief.  
Stanley has sweet look, but is direct. Sometimes is a real animal, in fact I call him Stanimal. I've known him from a long time, since we were very young.  
He’s a shy person, is closed, he opens with a few people, but with those fews is a beautiful person. Lovable, sensitive and funny. He’s also direct and blunt, outspoken.  
\- You say that I should screw me of the rules and do what I want? - Stan opens his arms while he does the movements with the racket for the back and starts stretching with me.  
\- I say yes, fuck! You must not expose you, leave Mirka, tell her and stuff. Do what you have to do, but you also do what you want. Who cares if you marry her and then you go with Rafa? - He says quiet for not to be heard and this view raises me as anything could.  
Stan knows me better than anyone else.  
\- You say I should succeed? I could fool her? - He shrugs.  
\- No one is a good person, everyone has their own filth, just that some are better than others to hide them. - This doesn’t help me, in fact staring evil.  
\- Are you saying I'm a pig? - Stan laughs and has a good laugh that puzzles me.  
\- No! I'm saying don’t worry, there aren’t good people, there are only good people to hide! You are good at hiding! - This still doesn’t lift me a lot, I don’t like to be evil, but according to him we are everybody in this way, so just I’m not better than others, I’m like the folks.  
Only with a particular talent for hiding. I sigh and intensify the warm while I think a bit dazed.  
\- It’s not easy to consider the idea of ??doing a thing like that. I never thought to find myself in this situation. -  
\- Until you're there, you don’t know what you would do, you don’t know who you are, you don’t know what you're capable. The experiences put out the character, not create it. - Stan is a holy man, sometimes, that’s why I love talking to him.  
It’s my guru!  
So I surrounds his neck with my arm and print a kiss on the cheek, who cares about what we look like.  
I love him and he loves me. Unlike as I love anyone else. I know Stanley for a long time.  
After that I turn automatically my eyes at a few court beyond, looking for Rafa, and I see that warm like me and Stan, just that we’ll train together, the two of them are only near and make stretching together, while they talk.  
Rafa was looking at me, I realize it how glares at me with his eyes. And Rafa looks hurt.  
Soon, seeing that I look at him, he does what is most typical.  
Back to Novak, gives him a huge grin and approaching to him with face, sticking the mouth to his ear to tell something.  
Novak laughs and nods, then everyone must be in their place and begin the real training.  
Go to hell.  
How dare he?  
He did it on purpose!  
See that they not only talked last night?  
They had sex, I can feel it! It's clear! Rafa flirted with him to spite me!  
He doesn’t feel anything for Novak, it's just who wants to tell me that he is well without me.  
Start training with Stan to soft shots, my head is elsewhere and wrong very much so he scolds me annoyed.  
But it’s also true that it can be a way of telling me to do what I have to do and not think of him who will be good, a way to relive me from a heavy task.  
It’s that what I want?  
To be relieved from my duties?  
Be removed?  
Hello, go your way, don’t worry about me?  
I have to let go Rafa because it’s better for him?  
For the rest of training I rate the idea of ??really let him go, then I imagine me without him and I see me sad and last in the ranking because I also lost interest in tennis.  
I see me gloomy. Closed to the world.  
And no, hell. I don’t want be so.  
I can’t. “


	6. For never repent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> On the side of Roger. In his parts there are many clues to understand his true feelings, if you know how to catch them. However we are still in the distant and beautiful 2009. In fact Roger has struggled to learn to control himself, recently he revealed that actually had a very bad character, capricious, irascible and stubborn that was going to prevent him from becoming a champion, has put a lot, but in the end he learned to manage himself, control himself. Inspired by this, I wrote of this Roger.

6\. FOR NEVER REPENT

 

 

/Roger/

"Finishing practice I’ve a feeding frenzy and Stan notices it.  
\- Have you finally decided? - Because he always knows everything about me. How shooting the ball, he knows what I'm thinking.  
I smile and nod.  
\- If I let him go now, I'll regret it for life. Because it's nice to think to be righteous and good people, but the truth is what you have said. Everyone wants their own happiness, we live for this. And in the end if I want something against everything and everyone, in one way or another I will have it. Because I love me, I'm not a masochist, and I want to be happy. - Stan smiles and caresses my neck encouraging me while we walk to the locker room we have in common with the other players.  
I don’t see his look sad, because I try and I find immediately Rafa and Novak who came before us. They go in the locker room, placed neighbors and I am a little farther on with Stan, look at them hard while ignoring me and talk and joke again.  
And no, my dear, you will not do so forever. Should I endure you who flirts with him to console you?  
Not at all!  
I will not be put aside because I am a coward!  
No way.  
Rafa and Novak get naked, I wince seeing Novak watching Rafa in that way, but Rafa tries me with his eyes, then I take off my clothes me too and it's all a distance game.  
We are moving together toward the common showers and there I put in front of them instead are close. Novak ignores me and talks and looks only Rafa ... well ... eat him almost!  
Rafa supports him, but often gives me the fleeting glances and careful about what I do, I not take off mine.  
When Novak washes his back and asks him to do so, the scene is so annoying that at times I take them to punch. I never did but I might start now.  
How hell they dare?  
Novak maybe aims to Rafa and I understand.  
But Rafa before destroys for me and then goes with him just to put me away?  
Okay, Roger, you know.  
It’s the normal reaction to jump on another if you can’t get who you want. I would do it too, in his place. Perhaps with Stan. I seek him hoping that gives me comfort, but Stan washed hurry and went out immediately. I feel bad, but I go back to Rafa passing hands on Novak's back that has the annoying sighs that make laugh Rafa.  
It's worse when it does Novak, when he puts his hands where I have already put mine, where I want to put back again.  
And it’s not that washes him, caresses him, touches him, he does his.  
Rafa is standing motionless and his smile turns off. If until now had done everything just to provoke me and throw me messages remotely, now he likes. Because the hands of Novak have looks to be damn expert.  
Down on the hips and going to get in the middle, on the buttocks, right in the slot. A finger is directed there, but Rafa took him and stops, turns to him with mischievous and admonishing air, then I see the labial.  
\- Is this the place? -  
\- To me it seemed perfect! - Responds Novak.  
I think then he looked at me briefly.  
Ok, Novak is his accomplice. He knows about us and test us so because he knows that I'm there to watch them. It’s of Novak the idea of flirting in front of me, to provoke.  
Maybe really it doesn’t care.  
Maybe.  
When we go there, I stay a little back and I keep watch them. Rafa goes on, and Novak behind and I see him well, his eyes. Novak eats him and is not a scene. He really likes, he is taking advantage seriously.  
Damn!  
I put immediately in my black book.  
In your dreams, man. Rafa is mine!  
With this I change quickly, Stan gives me a quick chat and I would go out with him to talk to him, but I can’t lose sight of Rafa and Novak.  
The two are ready together, and always together, they come out.  
I follow them, I hear them talk about what they do now, Novak is proposing something together and at this point taking me five minutes.  
So I decided, I reach them and with the murderous air that might not apply to me, I take Rafa's arm.  
\- Can I steal it? I have a great need to talk to him! - I turn to a Novak as surprised as Rafa, raises his hands and says:  
\- He's all yours! - He has a mischievous smile. Yes, I know.  
But now will put it clear things.  
Because I'm sick. If this is what lies ahead for the future years, forget it!  
  
  
Shortly after me and Rafa are heading to the adjacent hotel.  
\- Where are we going? - Asks assuming will not be the room.  
\- In the room! - I say rather dry fast walking a bit ahead of him.  
Rafa is perplexed.  
\- Sorry? - Asks scandalized.  
\- In the room! It’s the only place with the privacy we need! - Wheezing to not hear around and Rafa sighs.  
\- Rog, we talked about it profusely, you have to leave me alone or I will never ... - I raise my hand with index finger straight and shut up without even looking.  
\- In the room. - I say dry. So he shuts up, sighs and follows me.  
In the elevator we are silent because we’re not alone, then finally enter the mine and just close the door behind us, Rafa starts polemic.  
\- I'm trying to fight back, to distract me from the constant thought of you! The only way I've found is Novak! I'm telling you to do what you need to do and not think of me that will survive! I have not cut the veins, I'm just trying to ... - But I don’t do him finish because I take his face with my hands and take his breath with a kiss.  
Rafa had his mouth open because he was talking excitedly and tired and I slip into my lip sucking his. Rafa is speechless, motionless, without breathing. The large hands, eyes open.  
Then he recovers and repulses me decided, hands on my chest.  
\- Roger, are you crazy? - Asks shrill. I shake my head.  
\- No, for the first time I see us well! - So I step back and I take off my shirt.  
\- What's the matter? -  
\- I take I'm sick! - I exclaim annoyed even taking off my pants and shoes. Rafa remains clothed shocked disbelief.  
\- But what? You are who said that you can’t do both things because will be father and ... - I arrive at his shirt and gave it to quickly.  
\- I know what I said. But I realized it was a big dick! Pure hypocrisy! - Then slide down on my knees in front of him by taking away pants and boxer, while I also take off his shoes. - Because there are no good people, there are only those good at hiding. Or are depressed and unhappy people! - So I take his thighs watching his erection in front of my eyes.  
Rafa remains standing looking at me puzzled and shocked.  
\- And I’m neither a good person nor I want to be depressed. Because I want to me  well enough to be happy. - I'll take it in hand and move as he has his loose at sides, is upset. - And I can’t endure to see you for years next to another that is not me. -  
At this point, I lick until I take it all in mouth. It's a feeling of pure relief. Back to him in my hands, in my mouth. The hand runs between the legs to masturbate while I don’t stop to sigh him. He immediately accompanies the movements, fingers to take the hair on the nape of the neck, pelvis pushes, everything grows, our excitement, desire, the world turn around, we want to just make up for lost time.  
I hear him moan and when he’s close to orgasm, pulls me by the hair standing up.  
He takes my face and brings me in front of him.  
\- Are you sure? Are you really sure? I will not be discharged for the third time! - I nod.  
\- I thought about it a lot and when I saw you with another I realized I couldn’t let that happen. And you were right. No one has the right to tell me to be unhappy because so are the rules! I'm not hurting anyone. Mirka will have what she wants, a husband who is one of the most famous people on earth, will have children with me, the family that wants, I will not miss anything, I will not suffer her. I will fulfill all my need. But no one will prevent me from being happy. - Rafa then back to take the hair and pulls it without hurting me, his gaze becomes pure fire and I get excited again like crazy.  
\- Don’t you never allow to leave me, you understand? Only if you don’t love one another more, we will leave. But not for other reasons. Did you understand? If we look back again I will say it to your wife, to the world, I don’t care. I want you to understand perfectly that if you take me now, it's forever. - When he say it, my erection, so long as it only piqued, go up as if he had made me the job of the century and I take his other hand, I put him to there and tell.  
\- All parts of my body understood. Now let you take before completing the work myself. -  
I’m shocked by myself, because I know that I don’t usually talk like that.  
But I'm out of me, it's his fault, it’s that every time he does that to me, I'm out of my head and say and do things completely outside the box.  
He licks his lips and then, smiling, leaves my hair masturbating with commitment, kisses me, devouring my mouth and I spare, and then push him toward the bed and please, please, I can’t handle it anymore.  
Rafa before boarding, open the drawer and take the Vaseline, then he put it on the tip.  
\- No condom? - I ask, knowing what it means. Rafa looks at me decided, but with a mischievous smile.  
\- No need. I trust you. Just a little of this. -  
If there is nothing, you use saliva, but you lose time because it’s not the same vaseline, but I see that it’s equipped for any eventuality.  
I suck his lip and he fulfilled turns, he gets on the bed on all fours and waiting for me.  
I go up and seconds later I’m in him.  
Feeling that wraps me, tightens and takes it easy in himself, is unthinkable.  
It immediately gives the head, I just can’t stay present.  
I'm out of me, out of me completely.  
Immediately increase the pushes and the rhythm and with groans that come together, it's faster, lunge at every blow stronger and he calls me saying that they want more and more.  
I reach his magical point and scream, I try to silence him because we are in my room, so I think this likes him even more, and his orgasm is particularly intense. Then he collapsed in front of me and it gives me helpless.  
This has an erotic touch that I didn’t expect.  
He's mine, in my hands, completely given to me.  
And I take him.  
Also when I come back and I tend all impress me this perfect enjoyment that I never had with Mirka nor anyone else.  
That's what I am, when I do I realize. My field, my world, my life. Me.  
Hi there, I am this. I can reject it and ruin my life or accept it and live accordingly.  
No one will ever know anything, just Rafa and Stan, the only two that I trust.  
But happiness will always be worth it. Just will look him, all doubts will vanish.  
This is Love?"


	7. A beautiful dream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafa and Roger got together again, and see how Nole has lived it, before knowing it and after, when Rafa tells him.

7.  A BEAUTIFUL DREAM

 

 

/ Nole /

  
"It was good to see him the next day, strange.  
I noticed Rafa from the first day he set foot on a tennis court. I watched him play and I thought that was a really interesting guy and that surely would have done great things.  
It talked a lot about him right away because he stepped on professional tournaments in young age, it’s something like a record, almost.  
It was impossible not to notice.  
But I lost my head for him when I had him in front of me.  
We were both still young, I was playing from a bit and I couldn’t wait to confront him.  
It was traumatic because it made me realize how much I was still far away from him, but in a sense woke me, stimulated me, no?  
Because I wanted to join him, I wanted to be more worthy, give him a hard time, be seen, be remembered. Being someone for him.  
It stimulated a lot.  
So I can’t say that I didn’t know to be attracted to him, I have always been, I think.  
I don’t have a specific trend for a gender, I look at the person. I like women as men, just with women is easier. It’s easy to have stories with them, with men always do everything in secret.  
Rafa is my obsession, in tennis level and in sexual way.  
Yesterday when I found him in the pool naked and out of himself, I had a shock.  
I was so excited that I hoped just to play well and I limited myself to please him.  
I'm glad I did, he no disappointed me.  
Knowing that he was suffering for love right with Roger was a bit a hit to heart, but the positive thing is that they are leaving.  
I must have a little patience and resist.  
Having him was a dream, I know that he probably didn’t even know what he was doing, definitely. But it’s a start and then it's something that will remain.  
I must be careful from here on, don’t let go.  
I can have a chance.  
Today Rafa tried me without fear, as if he were glad to see me. Usually pretend to nothing and you're cold, if you think back and you repented.  
We spent together all morning, including cross-training and then in the shower.  
When we spoke a moment alone, he apologized to me for tonight, he told me that I had to send him to hell, but I answered forthright that I liked and that I wanted to take advantage of a nice guy.  
So we said even and peace.  
No words too, proposals, promises. Nothing.  
We don’t know if we will do it again, we don’t know if it will happen. But he smiled, was relaxed with me, and he was fine with my presence.  
I have not started badly, in fact.  
Then in the shower I wanted press the hand, Roger looked at us and I wanted to give him a message.  
I can’t be competitive with the great Roger to level of tennis, but maybe I can be with Rafa.  
When he took him away I was a little bad, but there was the expected. Rafa and I have talked and laughed together all the time, he was staring at us, it was normal.  
I hope that they haven’t put together. Roger is not one to keep a foot in both shoes, to design a life between husband and lover.  
  
I spend the day thinking nervous, Rafa doesn’t show up and don’t ever cross, so the evening I wander like a lost soul to the hotel hoping to see him.  
I don’t have his number, and I don’t know in which room is. I just hope to see him again.  
I look out at the pool, but not there, then I go into the room of massages, but nothing. Gym. No.  
Sigh depressed, tomorrow I will try to intercept him.  
I stopped at the bar to take something warm that reconciles me to sleep and I make laugh bartender with milk request, so to give a little tone, he makes a foam to milk.  
Thanking him, put me in a seat and sip quietly, thinking that perhaps instead of my big dreams were shattered.  
Maybe Roger is not as he seems, perhaps, after all, he takes longer to Rafa that to 'make things right'.  
Which is bullshit. Who knows that in reality don’t do 'as it should'?  
Only you!  
I'm lost in my ruminations and not see someone approaching.  
\- It seems that this place is bad for me! - Comment cheerful. I raise my head and look at him surprised.  
\- Rafa! - I exclaim. He smiles and sits next to me wiping my mustache white milk. - I look like a child, huh? - I say kidding. He laughs and shows that he’s well, is very different from tonight. It’s as if he had attacked the plug.  
This is not good for me.  
But it's great to see him so happy. Damn, they are put together.  
But today was laughing with me and it was not so joyful. It's him, it's him, only him.  
\- Me too drink hot milk mounted when I can’t sleep, just to make me feel ashamed if anyone sees me. - So I laugh with him and I offer him my cup to share, but refuses, saying that he’s not there because he has trouble sleeping.  
\- Actually I was hoping that you were there like a lost soul as yesterday! I made the hotel around looking for you! I no have your number and I don’t know in which room you are ... - So I take the ball.  
\- Tell me your so I write to you and let you mine. - Rafa caught off guard tells it and I'll take it. Now you're mine. At least on the phone.  
\- I had the same problem. - I say then. - I didn’t know how to find you ... - Rafa smiles sweetly, a little shy. Totally different from last night.  
\- You look good. Very well. You look like another. - I cough and make myself strength, I lower the tone. - It's ... it went well with Roger? - Rafa sighs and then his eyes return to that dazzling light.  
What harm can it do?  
\- You will not believe ... - I shake my head, smiling falsely happy. I’m good at pretending, I do it since I was born not to make it clear to my parents how I felt bad.  
\- There has rethought? - Rafa looks around and sees get someone else, so he asks me if I'm done, and if we can go somewhere else because he doesn’t want to be heard. I nod.  
\- Room? - I ask. He hesitates a bit, but eventually he starts walking next to me.  
\- Let us go, come on. - How to say 'we'll see'.  
Hands in pockets, elbows touching, head down, thoughtfully.  
I’m going to hurt me, maybe I should avoid the room.  
\- Then? - I ask curious pretending. - Roger? -  
Rafa sweetly tightens into the shoulders and happy, back to talk quietly.  
\- He has rethought. When he saw us together he realized that he couldn’t bear to see me with other all his life and he said that he wants to be happy, and since he lost his head for me... in short, the usual things... -  
\- Did you tell him he can’t change again idea? - I say ironic, hoping to hit.  
\- Yes, I threatened that if he think back, or if he leaves me for reasons that aren’t of a love that ends or something, in short, normal relationship problems, I'm going to say to his wife and to all the world. - I laugh amused trying not to be noisy.  
\- Would you really do? -  
\- Never test me when I get angry! - Responds slowing down near a door which I imagine is his.  
I look at him seriously.  
\- I know how you can be shocking when you're not in you. - And now I’m allusive. Rafa blushes, stops, plays with the magnetic key to his door and I understand that he doesn’t want that I enter with him. So I lean against the doorjamb, hands in pockets, waiting for a conclusion. I want to be perfect. No silly scenes.  
Rafa leans with his back to the door, next to me, and looks at me sorry, tense.  
\- I came to say I'm with him, I don’t know how it will go but we try seriously. And I thank you for everything, actually it was you to help us. Without you he isn’t jealous and would never decided. I owe you a big favor. - So touch his chin with finger, adult smiling.  
\- You owe me the story of my life. - Because if I'm honest, I know Roger is the man of his life. I'd be a fool not to admit it.  
You see that there is something different between them.  
Rafa looks at me and I look around, it's dark and quiet.  
\- Everything is alright. - I approach. - It was wonderful. - I don’t go beyond, don’t expose myself. He stares at me and I fill of his beautiful face, his eyes by the particular lines.  
Then I stole a light kiss on the lips, finally a caress on the cheek and I go to my room.  
I'm going to be sick as a dog, because I touched the dream again, and I lost it.  
Fuck. Fuck. How do you feel bad, you lose forever, always ends so?  
Get there close and then fades.  
Holy shit!  
I will not cry, I will not, I'm an idiot!  
I will not cry for this, I knew it was an impossible dream.  
But one day I will have him, one day I will succeed.  
Maybe I will not as I want, but I will overcome. At least in tennis, I will overcome.  
One day I will overtake, I will not touch as now.  
The dream, my sweet, beautiful erotic dream, the dream of a lifetime, perfect dream.  
Maybe sometimes you just have to face facts.  
Rafa loves Roger and loves him in a way that will not love anybody anyway. And it's damn reciprocated, only a blind man would not to see it.  
What hope should I have, that Roger is developing increased awareness? If he doesn’t have now that is going to be a father...  
I'll never be at his height, he never looked me in that way.  
Perhaps he'd like me to carnal level and is the maximum that I can have.  
But right now, I just think is best to look at the reality.  
It was a beautiful dream. Just a beautiful dream. "


	8. A dog and a owner solitaries

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is from Stan side, let’s see how he feels, how he lives the relationship betweenn Roger and Rafa.

8.  A DOG AND A OWNER SOLITAIRES

 

/ Stan /

"I didn’t even turn around that I find two arms wrapped me and the tousled head of Roger on my shoulder, I almost fall but he keeps me on.  
So I laugh at his exuberance and I put my hands on his arms.  
\- Hey ... what's up? - Roger leaves me and put his hands next to his mouth, speaking in my ear for not to be heard.  
\- I took your advice! - I look at him perplexed without remembering some advice was.  
\- Or? -  
\- Rafa! - He just says this and I understand, I look surprised.  
\- What? - In fact, I can’t believe it.  
\- I have decided, now we are together! We're trying seriously. - This has the scope of a TIR in the face and I very much hope to control the tears.  
Breathe, Stan, breathe.  
Keep calm. Clear your mind. Focused on happy things. Which?  
I have not, at this time.  
\- Are you kidding me? You have made the big step? - Roger nods cheerful. - And you've already seen Mirka after this thing? - How to remove someone over the moon, in this I’m great.  
No filter, I’m an animal, but if he knew what I'm going through...  
Roger pouts and greatly deflated, shrugs and looks away.  
\- No ... but I am determined to pursue my choice. It will be difficult at first but it’s also true that I see more Rafa than Mirka, for tennis. - This is true. Betray, for us tennis players in particular, it’s very easy.  
I see him a little down, so I put my hand on his back and try to reduce me. I can quite well, I have a convincing smile, even if I don’t know what look like my eyes.  
\- You'll see that after the first impact when you feel like shit, then you can do it. You will find your balance. After all, you have a special therapy, right? - Roger understands that I’m referring to Rafa and returns to smile lights up again understanding that I’m on his side. Or, at least, I pretend well.  
\- But you seem a bit sad ... you have always that air a bit depressed ... it's my fault? - Roger is sometimes a dumb first class, others are too sharp, but I smile more and give him a slap on the ass going forward into the training ground.  
\- Don’t even mention it! It's my face, I was born with the depressed look, it's not anyone's fault! - I don’t know if he believes it, but back to talk about Rafa and I go far with my mind, saying 'yes' every now and then. He tells me everything again, and then adds his reasonings and in the end I would just tear the ears.  
Why I am not Rafa?  
I had to fall in love with my best friend who thinks of me as a brother?  
How?  
I don’t say that I love him from the first day, we were small ... but almost!  
I grew up just a bit and I had the first homosexual instincts, I realized that they were specifically toward him.  
It comes hard also for others, but that is physical attraction. Roger is a lot more and with the years I have been able to cultivate it, especially because he gave the rope without knowing me. He's so sweet and caring with me, we talk about everything, we are always good ... it's amazing how we understand each other.  
Only on one thing, it has never come ...  
How I am lost for him.  
But no one will ever know.  
I never come forward because I didn’t see he in my world, in this sense. Convinced that I have would ruined everything.  
Instead then came Rafa, he tried as a boar and immediately went straight. Maybe he just needed someone to open his eyes. 'Hey, you're so, look at you!'  
Or maybe it's also a question of people.  
Rafa is special, Roger fell in love with Rafa.  
It couldn’t be me.  
I think about it, but I find no answer. In the end I have to accept the reality, that's all.  
  
The history between them is fine, Roger tells me everything with enthusiasm.  
The year goes bad for Rafa that he gets some bad knee problems that make him lose Roland and give up at Wimbledon, good for Roger who returns first.  
I'm happy for him, destroyed for them.  
But I’m good at hiding it.  
I fight it by jumping on my girlfriend and I end up to get her pregnant. Following the example of Roger, marry her, but I don’t love, I never loved.  
I don’t care, love is overrated, I can live only pretending to be friends of the person that I love, I can live even pretending to love the woman for whom I feel nothing but affection.  
And I can also pretend not to hate Rafa. But then what blame has him if he had the courage that I never had?  
I'm such an idiot.  
  
I live in a limbo of eternal sadness where I smile only with Roger, although after I feel more like crying.  
I have to react, I have to find a way out, an outlet, a distraction. Something alterative to help me.  
There will be something else worth living, a love that is waiting for me, someone who can make me feel good ...  
And just when I think about it, I find myself in front of Novak.  
I've dealt with before, is a nice person, but we have never depth much.  
Also this match goes in his favor, he has become strong, is the third fixed, as soon as someone will make a misstep, he will come to take advantage.  
I don’t care much to win or lose, I'm going more and more into apathy and I’m not able to ask for help to the only person responsible for it, the only one who could lift me, help me.  
In the locker room me and Novak arrive almost together and while we undress to wash up, I locked myself. Lately I’m less sociable than ever.  
Just the opposite of Novak who, instead, loves to talk and play the fool.  
\- I have a question for you. - Check after a while, when we are almost naked. I look at him surprised.  
\- Talk with me? -  
Novak chuckles.  
\- No, with your ghost! You are there? - I smile and take off my underpants, imitated by him.  
\- Idiot. - Then I add. - What's up? - I wrap myself in the towel, and I bring the need to wash, he does the same and we go in the local showers.  
There we ride the towels and put them in the part where don’t get wet, then with a shower to each, cose, begin to rinse off.  
\- It’s something very indiscreet, and you tell me to mind my own business, but I think you're the only one who can tell me what I need to know. - He takes it very wide, so sigh.  
\- Go to the point? - Novak smiles.  
\- You're very close to Roger, surely tells you everything. - Jerking inside me to the name, I hope that I restrained. I nod.  
\- Yes, we are friends for many years ... often we train together, we do together national - as if I had to to prove that we are such good friends, but only that.  
\- Great. Did he say anything about Rafa? - Investigate large and I can’t do it, I lost, is a shitty year and he speaks to me precisely the reason for my depression, I get tears in my eyes, so I look away and I wash with soap on the body.  
\- What he should have told me? - Novak laughs.  
\- You lie very badly! Do you understand what I mean! - Shit. How can he have understood at once? Usually I'm good. Or maybe is Roger an idiot who doesn’t understand.  
\- What did you understand? - I ask angrily. Novak doesn’t move and continues on his way, washing calm him.  
\- You know all of their history and even more, I think. - Sigh. He didn’t understand that I love him madly.  
\- What do you want to know, I think I know you well enough ... - I didn’t know that he and Rafa were in relationships, they didn’t seem that much.  
Novak runs his private parts and my gaze is there, mesmerized by hand rubs his penis long but at rest. When it's hard it should be a show. I lick my lips and swallow automatically.  
Novak has a wink, a mischievous smile. I see later, when I look away. But he says nothing about.  
\- They're happy? They go well? Do you think that will last? - I shoot a barrage of questions that leaves me speechless and I am stupid to look at him.  
\- Do you see me with a crystal ball in hand? What the fuck do I know! - I answer wrong and dry because I hate this topic and I'm dying inside me. Novak at this point instead of rinsing in his shower, closes his and comes in mine, pushing me against the wall and takes the water leaving me to look at him crazy.  
\- What the hell? Your works! - I'm crabby. Now I take a fight, I don’t have all that patience!  
\- But here you're so sad. And I just understand why. - I look at him amazed and I try not to cry.  
\- And what do you do, what do you care? - I ask angry, aggressive, looking good from touching him or to lower my eyes on his crotch. Novak gets wet with water, I remain slippery and soapy.  
\- Cuddle you! - With this turns me against the wall of tiles, he puts his hands to lean and hold my hips. The pelvis to my ass, I feel his cock against me, he going up and down, as if he would wash my back with his chest. It grows, he’s exciting. I close my eyes and his hands move in front, to try my cock that finds. His lips on my neck at this point speaks again, while shudder invest me violent and powerful.  
\- You're a sad puppy and abandoned by the owner you love so much, he loves another dog… is a dog a little mangy, but so sweet if you know how to take. He does lose heads to many people ... -  
\- You are between these? - I ask trying to stay present, trying despite the sighs for the pleasure he causes me.  
\- Yes. And because we share the same sad fate ... I thought to propose a fair exchange. You are a sweet and tender little dog who seeks pampering. I am an owner whose dog ran away, and I look for one with which console me, who give lots of cuddles. - His metaphors are killing me, but do worse his hands and his cock rubs against my ass.  
\- Want to fuck with me because you can’t fuck with Rafa? -  
\- And you want to do with me because you can’t do with Roger ... - He says not stop moving with every part of his body.  
\- Is this what you had to say? - He smiles and up to ear.  
\- No, but this is a better idea ... don’t you think? - Switch between touch to masturbate, and when he starts with a rush ... I can’t resist. Are still soapy and slippery and his body is damaging, bringing my head back I ask without answer.  
\- Meanwhile, fuck me, then we'll talk ... - My answer I think he likes, in fact, with one hand he takes his cock and slipped in me with a push of the pelvis. The other keeps moving on mine.  
Slips easily inside me right away, but the pain is a moment, is so excruciating that I get lost, I am not here and I forget everything, even who we are.  
That's the feeling I wanted, perhaps the only, the first for months that allows me to stun me and not think about Roger.  
\- More... - I say sighing. Novak then starts to move and the combined action of the back and forth is a winner.  
The hand is in contrast with his cock that is hard and it hurts. Slowly pain and pleasure mingle and everything is just simply beautiful. Strange. Confused. The senses are clouded, mingle and I go toward him, helping to move his hand on my cock, while I facilitate the fuck, moving better with him.  
We find an almost perfect synchrony.  
\- It’s not the first time, huh? - Asks pulling my ear with his teeth.  
\- Not even for you ... - Not that it's weird, I know I'm gay for years, I don’t want to come out and hide long as I live being with women, but I know who I am and I know very well.  
\- Come on ... stronger ... - I ask breathlessly, pushing with arms against the wall, I go toward him and I lean more forward, for him is the ideal location, pushing deeper and faster and finish with orgasm. Seeing that I went, leaves my dick, he straightens and continues to push, until he finds the apex. I feel it in and pick me sigh abandoning myself against the wall.  
The chills run through my body, shaking deep, confounding, dazed. Don’t think about anything, I'm dead tired, and the senses are confused. I'm fine.  
Shit, if I'm okay.  
\- Come? - Exits and takes me under running water that washes away all the sperm that comes down to me for the thighs, the soap that has made it so easy and our sex smell.  
He turn me in his arms, he took my face in his hands and with an unexpected sweetness, looking at me closely. After that, he kisses me.  
Leaves me surprised, usually I fuck but there is nothing intimate, not even a kiss or a caress.  
This leaves me speechless and is like an epiphany.  
I don’t like Novak and I don’t know if I ever love, but at least is the distraction that I tried. At least when I'm with him I will not think Roger.  
Maybe that's what does it for me.  
\- Do you like if we console each other? - He asks again, on my mouth. I, stunned and ecstatic, nod, then I open my eyes and lose myself in his always sweet, clear, of that gorgeous green hazel.  
\- I do. - I murmur.  
So start. In a strange way, to console us. And God only knows what he wanted from me actually. But he followed the instinct and I thank him because at least after months of shit, I had a good orgasm.  
There is no love, we will always be a last resort for each other, but maybe as I always say, love is really overrated. Maybe you just have to look for one with whom to be comfortable, one with which sex works. One look at you and caress you so that you warm.  
In his arms, I feel a bit better, finally. "


	9. Life force

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> how important was Roger, for Rafa, in his difficult 2009?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is from the side of Rafa and is at the end of 2009, Rafa that year had many knee problems and was operated, was very off the field, but then came back and won the Davis Cup with Spain. In an interview said that this year has suffered much the separation of his parents, who somatized with inflammation in the knees, this conclusion was given by the therapists who follow him because they know him and have said that he tends to swallowing problems, stress and what devours him. This inflames the nerves of the body. Here we are still in Fedal, but 2010 is about to begin and there things will change a lot.

9\.  LIFE FORCE

[ ](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/28.jpg)

 

/Rafa/

  
"I'm going in, slamming the door puffing like a bull, the phone on the bed and throw the keys on a bedside table.  
\- If only everyone would stop asking me questions about marriage and children, fuck! - Roger turns with a complete calm in the world, with a smile a bit in a trance. Who knows what he was doing.  
\- Why? - Asks. Usually does more well-aimed questions.  
\- ‘Why’ what?! - I ask roaring.  
Here he realizes that he had asked the wrong question, and try to remember what I said, so puffing and spreading my arms theatrical, making fire and flames, repeat angry:  
\- Everyone ask to me when I’ll get married! And I 'but let's talk about tennis!' But why the fuck! What does it matter when I get married ?! Never! - Roger at this point rises calm and takes my face in his hands, barely touching me I dropped my arms to sides, snorting.  
How he does to have this power?  
He looks at me for a while, softly, then tilts his head.  
\- It's normal that they want to know.  At 24, they are curious! Why are you so? -  
I sigh and shrug, looking away.  
\- You know ... it’s a taboo for me, but they don’t know. -  
\- The marriage? - Asks quiet. I nod. - Because your parents are separated and think it's fucked up if you get married then maybe it isn’t forever? -  
I nod, then I look up at the sky, I'm frustrated, but he is managing well my frustration, as always.  
\- Yes, but not only ... I don’t care anything about the wedding, I don’t marry me for love and then what is the point? I love you, I would marry you, fuck! - Roger smiles sweetly and caress my face, I calm down completely and sigh.  
\- I love you too. - I smile a bit and I take it for waist. - But the world doesn’t know, knows you're engaged for a while and wants to know when you get married, you're a nice guy, everyone loves you ... -  
\- Everyone loves you ... - I correct him. He smiles.  
\- You too. And are the normal questions. - I shrug, but don’t leave him.  
\- I know, but my parents got divorced, I will not hear of marriages. Never. Beyond that I'm with a married man! - Say it’s always strange, I hate Mirka, but I can’t do anything. Roger in response kisses me and this definitely blows away everything.  
That strenuous which is the public life, sometimes. I would lock myself in a hermit with him.  
  
Slide with hands at the end of his shirt and gave it away, he separates from my mouth long enough and let me do the same with mine.  
\- I have no time ... - mumbles while he takes me by the hips and look at my bare chest smugly. His eyes twinkle.  
\- It will be enough ... - I answer taking off my shoes and making me slip pants and boxers. Roger makes a smile.  
\- It would be the first time that you settle ... - mischievous chuckle while I take him by the hand and pull me toward the bed on which I sit, I'll fix the front, between the legs, and handle the button of his pants.  
\- I’m demanding? - I ask allusive.  
\- You are insatiable and very hungry! - His answer I like and with a satisfied smile I free him from all clothes, his erection in front of me waiting for me, his arms at his sides, my hands on his thighs slip front and take it starting to move with decision.  
\- Just that? - I'll take it in my mouth and start to suck, hands then go back, the fingers open and play with his entrance.  
He sighs.  
\- You're too damn erotic! - Who knows how many ways can he describes while we fuck!  
When i’s sufficiently hard and has enjoyed up to move his hips into my mouth, I push him a bit and I do up on the bed, I open my legs, I suck my finger and slide on my body until gets underneath and is inside.  
\- Hungry, insatiable and erotic? - I ask a bit disappointed, this give him to the head.  
He looks at me while I doing on my own and bites his lip masturbating again.  
He thinks for a moment.  
\- You have an extremely clear ideas. - This is a gift that surprises me.  
\- I have no doubt that I want you! - Then I turn back, I bend on knees and crush me forward, suck my finger that I get put in again, but finally rises behind me and takes care of him with the mouth and tongue, wetting and spreading sufficiently, while I masturbate in front of.  
\- Oh, I'm ready, hurry up ... - I'm excited and between work behind and in front, I am coming, I want to do it with him who gives me the coup de grace, I need to feel it.  
So Roger straightens and addresses in me, with a mighty push is in me and makes me his and I have an incredible sense of relief that starts from the lower abdomen and spreads all over the body, the spinal column and every nerve ending .  
I continue to touch me leaning forward, with him moving inside me gradually increasing the pace, and this combination of things makes me see stars. We groaned louder and louder, with him, until arch my back, I go up and I lean on him who keeps me continuing to move.  
I come to this shockingly perfect moment, then back down and I let he meets plenty in the way he prefer and Roger does it, I know he loves to see my back while I accompany movements, he says that my muscles are seductive.  
I don’t know what he means, but I'm in the position he likes.  
His pelvis slams against my buttocks and everything blurs and blends.  
Roger comes inside me, warming with his semen, then he collapsed panting, sweaty, enveloping.  
Shortly after we lie for a moment, we forget the time.  
He keeps me behind, wrapping me like a blanket, by joining me in the same position. Turn my head, looking for his lips, I find them, weave tongues.  
\- I love you. - I murmur. He smiles.  
\- And you're also incredibly sweet and needy. - Frowned watching closely.  
\- What? -  
\- Love, affection, care, pampering, heat protection ... - I smile surprised and impressed by the idea that I give to him.  
\- Really it looks I need of protection? - He nods. - Despite the clear ideas, hunger and everything else? - He thinks and even nods, then caress my face with one hand.  
\- Externally you seem very sure of yourself, even surly at times. Cause you crying like crazy on the field, exults like a lot and you get angry. But you do it because you're a bit unsafe, inside you. You want to be reassured, maintained, protected. You have a world you keep hidden, which is beautiful. - It comes to me a bright-eyed to hear him talk like that about me. - This is showed by the way it worked in you the separation of your parents. - I sigh. - You are very sensitive. The world doesn’t know what you are. -  
I turn around in his arms, intertwining the legs to his and squatted down on him holding me close and kissed the forehead and head.  
\- To me it's just you to protect me! - I say surrendering at a idea to need. I never thought about it, I didn’t believe, honestly.  
Yet it’s beautiful to embrace me from him as well.  
\- If it was not for you I think I would have closed. The first reaction I had once known, after Melbourne, was close me, I was cold, nothing cared for me. Then reviewing the final scenes, I saw you in that state, I reviewed our scene and I woke up. I said 'and if is angry with me?' And suddenly I still care about something! The separation of my, destroyed me emotionally ... but you gave me back the feelings, you made me go back. The problem at the knees was caused by stress, was the reaction of my parents, he told me my physiotherapist. But you have me slowly back my desire to try again, the joy of doing what I was doing, the desire to return to where I was. You have restored myself. If I had not had you in this terrible year, I ... I don’t know where I would be ... maybe 100th! And I would not care! - Roger smiles, I never told him this, but apparently had understands.  
He kisses me again and held me to him.  
\- I know it's been tough, but you're strong, you're out. -  
\- I've been thanks to you. -  
\- The power was within you, I have only pulled out. - I smile, now, why is by he turning his merit in something that depends on me. I know it’s his merit.  
If I had not spent all this time with him, if I had not put with him, if I had not had him ... I wouldn’t be here, celebrating a Davis Cup and finally to feel really good at the beginning of a new tennis season. He has been valuable in every way possible and always will be.  
I'm lucky to have him.  
  
  
It’s not hard to imagine that if Roger organizes an event, pulling me inside.  
It’s not hard to imagine that I will always say yes to everything!  
I leave completely white paper on everything, whatever he wants to do.  
I think sometimes take advantage of it, Roger is smart.  
Like now, for example.  
\- Look ... Rafa - he says while massaging my neck.  
\- Mm? -  
\- I wanted to do something. -  
\- Mmm ... - His tone is typical of when to ask a favor, and the fact that asks me while massaging me is particularly obvious.  
But I'm ecstatic with his hands on me.  
\- But I can’t do it alone, I need participants. -  
\- Mmm ... -  
\- Are you listening? - He asked after a while doubtful.  
\- Yes ... but I don’t have the capability to use the words. - Roger laughs while continuing to massage my bare shoulders.  
\- Now you did it! -  
\- Mmm ... - I extend my moan and he continues to laugh, then resumes.  
\- Will you help me? -  
\- I have to participate in what? A charity match? - That I had vaguely understood, the rest escapes me.  
\- Yes ... will you? - I shrug, it’s something quite normal, especially if it comes from him. And it’s normal that he and I we do together.  Apparently he likes to involve me in these things charity! And it seems that I like to be involved from him!  
\- Of course ... do it you, to me is everything well! - I answer quickly, he kisses my neck and thanked me.  
I couldn’t imagine that, somehow, this would have triggered a huge long-term chain reaction that would spread over the years. "


	10. Wave propagation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We are in January 2010, when Roger organized Hit For Haiti during the Australian Open. The famous charity match which also involved Rafa and Nole among other tennis players, male and female. Match that I often quote in my fic, this is the link to watch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FGiQLNinyzI&index=24&list=FLtvNYTtZodT8cQWh3wvI8uw&t=50s . I love it. It is special. I think Rafa and Nole flirting all the time. And as if he had started something.

10\. WAVE PROPAGATION  
  
[](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/12.jpg) [](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/27.jpg)  
  


/ Rafa /

  
"If I had known what he had in mind, maybe I would have addressed better.  
I honestly don’t know what has passed in his head when he decided to involve Novak together with other players, including some women too.  
Maybe he has gone off his brain completely, unfortunately the day of the game in question, Hit for Haiti,  Australian Open 2010, I find myself in front of the participants, smiling, miked and ready.  And I realize what he did.  
Novak in front of me doing stretching and I remain dazed.  
Not that I haven’t seen for the rest of the year, but I was outside the camps because of knee problems and everything and then I haven’t seen him seriously.  
When that happened, I avoided him and was evasive.  
This, however, is different.  
Very different.  
Roger had to tell me, tell me. Well, is my fault that I told him to do what he wanted.  
It can’t say these things to those creative like him!  
\- I asked to stay in your team, I want to make some game with you! I was excited by the idea! Rog is a genius! -  
And that's exactly the point. I look him bad, thin, almost furious. But he smiles even more.  
Now I kill him.  
How dare he call him like that? How he dare call my Rog, Rog ?!  
Around others say with who they will, only now I realize that I will be against Roger!  
I pouted and the evening start bad, in fact, then I’m never focus and one hundred percent. Services are an agony, but it’s the less!  
Among Novak on my side and against Roger, I have time to die!  
Why didn’t warn me? Why Novak chose the team and not me?  
Why the hell I'm not interested in what the hell Roger was organizing?  
One day I'll kill him!  
  
Things move at a breathtaking speed, meaning that I get carried away by events, as I always do when I do or watch sports.  
In these cases, my gentle personality, shy and kind with others unknown, becomes a mad bull.  
Aside take a bit too much for a simple charity match, I wrong much because I’m  tense.  
I'm nervous and I didn’t explain, but things are also relatively good when I play with Andy Roddick and Kim. The problem takes over when Nole comes here and Kim asks if we want to do some game together.  
Here it’s as if the world would stop and explode and I, in the midst of that emotional mess, I have to say and do something and immediately and so boom.  
\- With my straight and your volleys it’s almost impossible for someone to beat us! - But I get a voice that is a little strange and inviting.  
Perhaps for Nole that strikes me the punch with his and around my neck with his arm as he accompanies me on the pitch, is even more.  
Maybe for him it’s also challenging.  
I don’t know, I did it without reasoning, I often find myself to act on impulse and then thinking about ‘fucking no, I had not to do it’, but I’m too so.  
An impulsive bull.  
For the previous games that I did with Andy and Kim I was distracted, always tense and nervous and I called Nole into question for every bullshit. I don’t know why I did it, but I saw him there and I went out his name out of my mouth. In fact, for how much good I did certain things and I've done enough show, I was constantly with the head to him.  
Even when he played with Kim and I have been watching, the thing was strange.   
He was there, shaking his ass to Kim and I was embarrassed. I went to the fire.  
And speaking of shaking ass, the first thing I ask is, of course, where he wants the ball and he, the cosmic fool, says:  
\- Here! - indicating the ass that it turns getting up the shirt.  
You asshole, I go completely in tilt. Especially with the erotic voice that he uses. Oh yes. Is damn erotic.  
The laughter not much covers my impulsive:  
\- Nice place! - Fuck, what the hell I say?  
The fact that I laugh red my face as so do the others, remains that I did appreciation to his ass!  
Among other things before I touched it, even if light and fast, with the towel pretending to clean it.  
Which then also he did with me.  
Shit, I go out for the break hydration and he cleans my legs and I what I do? I LIFT UP THE SHORT AND I SHOW THE LEG! Not satisfied, when he goes to wipe my ass with a towel, and while laughing and joking he touch me for good, then I send away Kim when she wants to touch my thigh. Normal thing: is a woman, she did the right thing of all, but not me! I keep Novak and send away Kim!  
Holy shit!  
So when I go back and shot, I mistake.  
His ass and my 'nice place' is still seared.  
Fortunately some joke and play with Roger and I get back in line.  
The game with Novak are complicated, it’s the hardest thing I've found to do especially on an emotional level and I don’t know why.  
I play with nerves all the time, I’m grumpy and I start flirting.  
I realize thinking after, but in the middle I don’t think to anything.  
When he says that Kim was better as a partner, I do the offended and when he takes me back to the field, he points out that I'm jealous.  
Shit, it's true.  
I was doing the jealous.  
But I didn’t think, I just did.  
I think maybe it's a game for everyone, but I’m not living in this way and under my skin I feel like I'm full of very tense violin strings, ready to jump.  
And at every contact created between us, every time he approaches me and he talks low to me, joking with me,  every time is a kind of drama, I feel terrible, excited, out of me.  
And I have to watch Roger for calm.  
Why is this happening?  
What is it?  
I think to hit the bottom when, after a combined action between us, I make a powerful dunk with an outstanding jump and here, excited beyond all limits, on tilt, I go against Novak and jump over to him as he does the same, we met with breasts and docks in those ways between teammates, in tennis don’t use it, so it’s very strange, especially among us.  
It's ... it's madness.  
When I did, I focused on the parts of us that were touching, it's been a while but I felt his pelvis against mine and just the idea of what was under the clothes, how we did it, what would ... I don’t know, I go crazy. I can’t calm down, everything is on a high and I feel like at times I can’t stop myself, and the question is ... and what will I do when I’ll not stop me? Not that now I did much ...  
Luckily then the girls throw themselves on the pitch and I have the excuse to put aside angry, because on one hand I liked to play with Novak, on the other I relieved because I'm going crazy.  
Scorbutic is belittle my mood.  
But then he pulls in the same field and says to do trade 3 on 3 and saw that Roger does, I do too.  
Or maybe it's because Novak insists?  
Because is as if at the center of his thoughts, there was me, stand on the field with him as much as possible, to calm me while I sulk, to be softened because I’m strangely angry.  
Then after a few exchanges I blame him because he not let me respond, is a dumb reproach, I realize later, but I’m angry.  
Because it's easier that way.  
It’s easier to handle what I feel when I get angry with him, but it’s clear that I am exaggerating.  
I don’t know what he thinks and I don’t know what see Roger.  
But I believe that he’ll remember all.  
Fortunately I can go to rest and I sit down with Roger, I look at him, I breathe, I'm better. But then comes the guilt for this senseless nervous that is killing me. Just because I have various approaches to Novak.  
Why?  
Because we fucked? In short, it happened once and I was out myself because Roger had dumped me again.  
Now we are here, side by side, and I am beside myself.  
I wonder what Rog thinks. Surely noticed it, is sharp, alert, stores everything.  
But Novak too, in fact he always pulled me in the middle of everything, even now, and I let myself be involved from the sidelines.  
We searched all the time, every time, whether we were in pairs, whether we were separated.  
It’s as if we are not able to detach emotionally, physically, mentally. And I get nervous, I hate myself and I feel guilty.  
Guilty.  
Guilty about what?  
Dribble with the racket while Rog is sitting next to me, talk with me, I calm down and try to think, but the mere fact that he’s next to me and talk to me happy, it relaxes me. Everything is alright. Maybe I imagined it all.  
But this my guilt is concrete.  
But blame for what?  
When we find ourselves three of us sat outside because it came Tomic makes a couple of shots with Kim, it's even worse. I can’t find myself and focus on the game. I undo my shoes, I’m worn out not physically but mentally and I can be funny and joke only thanks to Roger, who is in the game every time I say something. His voice acts as a soothing, just the opposite of that which acts Novak each damn time to lay his hands on my body.  
Like when one of us has to get into the field and he pushes me because he wants me to go, and in the meantime he touches me.  
Don’t touch me, shit, don’t do it, I can’t do it!  
And Roger comes to joke with me and I calm.  
Kim and Tomic back to take the final turning point, one that will determine the victory.  
I, Rog and Novak are again on the sideline together to this moment, we look caught the ending game, we comment fervent as if everything were normal, me and Novak united against Roger, but here together.  
And it's nice.  
It’s a moment shockingly beautiful.  
Both give me incredible things, emotions very strong and one the opposite of the other. Essential.  
Quiet by one, electricity by the other.  
I don’t know what will happen after today, but I know that today will leave its mark, it has already left.  
And when it’s decreed the end of the charity match in favor of the Rog team, I feel like a new cataclysm is to start and I don’t completely understand why.  
But I as afraid to get out of this camp and face reality.  A reality all messed up. Different. Shocking.  
Novak arounds my neck with his arm while we go to the locker room all together and tells me with enthusiasm:  
\- We have to do a double together, it was beautiful! -  
It’s here that I understand that the feeling was right.  
From here, something has changed.  Seriously."


	11. Can't leave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nole understands that he still hopes with Rafa and begins to take the first steps to have him

11\. CAN’T LEAVE  
  
  
  
/Nole/

  
"I don’t have dreamed. At first I thought I had the visions, I was calm and focused, in my. But then Rafa began to pull me in calling Novak in front of everyone, with the microphone.  
And he did throughout the game, constantly, for everything.  
But it was when he wiped my face with the towel, and then quickly back, I understand.  
Oh no, dear. I'm not dreaming!  
Rafa gives me messages!  
So his nervousness, his being grumpy and irascible and wrong services was due to this.  
I put he uncomfortable, all the time that I watched him.  
The worst was when he took the field with me.  
Those game together were a kind of revelation, over that of the dream.  
How the hell can you not be conscious?  
Then I took advantage of and I started to tease him in every way I could, and showing my ass, and appreciating Kim, and making him angry on purpose.  
It was beautiful, really beautiful.  
And I want to do it again.  
Indeed, it’s not only this.  
It's different.  
I want to continue the work begun.  
I didn’t do it on purpose, I just did it.  
But it works, it's working, you see that it works, dammit!  
Rafa is troubled by my presence.  
Other times we crossed was different, limited contact, condition, all very content. Then I ran to Stan to distract me.  
But now it was different. When Roger asked me to participate I immediately said yes, but when he asked me where I wanted to be, I didn’t hesitate, knowing that there was Rafa I immediately told with him, so we played together.  
The experience was enlightening.  
Rafa is not indifferent to me, I tease, I upset him and you see, you see damn good, shit!  
I can’t give up, I did it thinking have no choice, however, find myself catapulted into this thing, suddenly, it makes me realize that I can’t let it go, because Rafa is there that wants it, who is waiting.  
Rafa wants like me.  
  
In the locker room we’re all three together, it seems like a nightmare for him. He live so I guess, in fact is always tense and hallucinating, but I don’t give up.  
I’m stuck to him while I talk excited about that it was nice to play with him and I want to do it again in a double-serious and he barks in response a:  
\- You are mad? - That doesn’t answer at all.  
I laugh and hang up, while casual I undress in front of him and with Roger, who laughs amused and keeps an eye. I don’t know what he know, don’t know if he knows and don’t know what to think of the situation. I have no idea.  
But I feel a strange air and I'm just having fun teasing.  
\- Why? - I'm also taking off panties with them that hesitant and slow do the same. I stare brash Rafa. I stare at him for good on the whole body.  
Rafa carefully avoids looking at me, but don’t even look at Roger, who instead fixed he, still laughing, but more as if it were to do so.  
\- Why don’t you ever seen the 2 and the 3 participating in a double together seriously! - So, annoyed, he gets up with the towel and goes in the local showers. I remain hurt and pouting, then I look at Roger and mime to help me. He laughs and raises his hands in surrender, thus I run to the pursuit of Rafa and Roger is behind me.  
\- Why don’t you want? - I ask still insistent. Rafa sighs and rolls his eyes.  
\- I told you! -  
\- But what does?! - Rafa brushing furiously in the shower before me, Roger is close to him and looks with a smile seeing passive his boy who kills the skin with those barbarians steps of soap.  
\- Got to do! They are not things you see! Why do we have to participate? We are not rehearsed, you don’t trust me and don’t make me do things, we don’t sync, we don’t know each other! We'd like shit, here! -  
I pouted and down with the head and the tone, handing me the soap on the most dejected body.  
\- But for me it’s not so bad considering it was the first time. It was fun ... you didn’t like? To me yes! - Rafa at this point shuts from offending and it’s as if he realized he’s exaggerating in pushing me away, as if marking too much against me, is likely to seem as if there was something behind.  
It’s probable…  
\- But yes I liked it, it was fun... and I wasn't against you serious, was the part of the game ... I become bad when I’m on the field, but not really, and it's not personal ... - So I get up early lead and it’s strange to talk with Roger close. And nudes.  
I put myself under the water and he does the same, we look because we speak together, but the eyes don’t detach from certain areas of our bodies, often they comes down to look at certain parts.  
I wonder if he realizes.  
\- And you don’t like to do it again? - Rafa sighs, I can be very persuasive when I want to, and now I want it. Shrugs and shakes his head in confusion.  
\- Listen, I ... let me think, ok? - So I enlighten me everything and I smile.  
\- Really? - Hopeful.  
\- Yes, come on, I think ... give me a bit of time, there is no hurry! Now I have programmed the year, I have to see how I’m with ... - But I don’t make him finish that overdraft under his shower and, before Roger's eyes, I take his face in my hands and mold a big kiss on the cheek.  
He, crabby and shocked, winces and tries to reject me, but doesn’t dare to touch me, just makes the gesture.  
\- Yes, yes, ok ... come on! - He’s embarrassed and red and is now marked.  
He’s exhausted and Roger here with us complicates everything, because maybe he would tell me to stay in my place, but he can’t here, so I take this opportunity even more.  
Roger laughs circumstance, because he's so, you see?  
He’s so.  
He can’t do what he wants, he's Roger Federer, suits him everything is good, condescending.  
But when Rafa closes the tap and is wound in the towel white hurriedly going beyond, slowly he closes his and gave me a sidelong look that thin swear, I've never seen.  
One of those looks thrilling, icy, hidden. He knows that I see it, do it on purpose. I stop with hand on the faucet and I stop by to close because I’m shocked.  
Then he says nothing, absolutely nothing.  
Just goes too.  
I remain alone, shivering. What was that?  
A Roger nobody have seen, I think even Rafa?  
Mmm ... if this is jealous, things get interesting.  
Struggle to keep it, would struggle so unimaginable, I think.  
I close the water, I wrap it in the towel and go slow, circumspect.  
From here there is the unpredictability.  
Rafa is attracted to me or he wouldn’t have behaved in that way all the time. It was obvious. And that look of Roger is not 'stay away from him', but 'I'll kill you if you take advantage of it'.  
Because he has also noticed.  
I smile and came near to go to my desk, I give him a slap in the ass because he gives me the shoulders and worn boxer, is leaning forward to take a shirt.  
Rafa squeals and pulls me back kick, laugh pouting, only he knows how. I laugh and just don’t look Roger, he could petrified me.  
Soon after he starts talking and joking retracing happily and relaxed the epic moments of the game, from beginning to end.  
Overall it was nice, fun, but above all revealing and interesting.  
It ends that we talk about all three together as if nothing had happened, we still have fun, then we rejoin the girls that we have dinner together on Roger organization and continue like this for the rest of the evening, very nice and normal.  
But my dear, I don’t escaped anything.  
Neither Rafa tension nor the admonition of Roger.  
Here we doing legend!  
I'm very excited!  
  
I don’t try him to purpose, or rather I could but I want to give him the time to ponder and argue with Roger.  
When I find him around the circuit between a workout and the other, I greet him cheerfully stretching the fist as a sign of fraternal greetings. After the charity game I feel very friend. Rafa a little surprised reciprocates and smiles, so I take this opportunity and take him to the locker room where I'm going to wash and change, surrounding him with my arm.  
I want to test a little how he is. Rafa stiffens as during the game, but then he let go. Let's get together in the locker room and stops, looking around quickly madman.  
So I take off the arm and look at him stopped in turn, surprised.  
\- Well? - Rafa out his tongue by rogue.  
\- I see if there was Rog ... - So I look at him frowning.  
\- Have you had a fight? - That would be a kind of event. He snorts and so comes forward, taking off his shirt sweaty with which he has just trained in the field next to me.  
\- Shut up! - So, always surprised, but exulting in me, I follow him, and I take off after him.  
\- Come on, I see no arguing you two! He is a kind of angel! He's so perfect! - Rafa tip of my index finger.  
\- Try him for a while and tell me if he's an angel! - So I laugh and I take off everything while he is talking just holler. And avoiding looking at me. I look for him to get into the shower, while by the same few players out because you have just washed. I don’t think they heard. Rafa bites his lip and hurry to undress coming with me.  
Here we are alone again and we get closer to be able to talk, I'm so curious about to pass out.  
\- Really he has a difficult character? -  
\- Seriously? Roger is a control freak. Everything and everyone. I species. Just that I hate to be controlled! You know how I am, no? - So I’m laughing nod.  
\- Son of Liberty! Who he will never get married, and that will always make whatever he want … -  
He nods giggling, now seems less angry. There we wash and then we move from the jet starting to lathering us. Rafa is fixed on my face or anything, but prevents the body and low-lying areas. I watch he very carefully. He has a beautiful body, so perfect, size, toned, muscular.  
\- So why do you fight? - I insist. Rafa is startled and looks at me. Maybe it's strange that we do talk, we've never really done separately that night where he was beside himself.  
At this point he is embarrassed and blush, perhaps reflecting on the reason.  
\- He says I must not behave in certain ways in certain cases ... - Try to be vague and when one is not specific, it means to the person in front of him.  
So I carry under the shower and go with the water on my body. Rafa in this enchants and follows my hands coming down on my groin.  
I touch for good, by the way, and he goes haywire, he enchants own and he also forget that we are talking about.  
\- Like what? - Rafa so jumps back and looks at me.  
\- Like, what? - He slips under the water and try not to look at me, he rinse quickly, nervous.  
\- What do you do that he doesn’t like? - The answer would be 'What the hell do you care', but in reality we have a past, even if we have truncated. A few days ago we re-established relations spontaneously, so why not take advantage?  
Rafa doesn’t know if he realizes that I want to try again, maybe he’s too busy to control himself.  
\- Well ... I think he's a bit jealous ... just when he is, he starts control me, suffocating me! -  
\- Jealous? But whose? With who you flirt? - I insist as I continue to caress the body.  
Rafa licks his lips and as I'm looking at and doesn’t hold up, he looks down. And it is worse.  
Because from there again he can’t detach his eyes off. He seems obsessed with me. I was right.  
\- Well, that's ... -  
\- Rafa? The eyes are there! - And with that, that usually tells a woman to a man, he blushes and is collecting embarrassed. At this point it’s clear and I have to attack. - It’s not me? - I ask surprised, so fake. I’m a great actor.  
Rafa looks at me caught in the middle, has just the air of 'how do you know' and ‘what I do now?'  
\- Oh, he’s jealous of me? - Rafa closes quickly the tap and starts to leave, go to the towel and takes it, I close my and I go back, I grab him by the arm and forcing him look at me.  
He holds his breath, is always red and always embarrassed.  
\- Is that so? Rafa, you have to tell me. -  
\- Why I have to? It's my business and Roger! - Says acid.  
\- No if concern me! - Rafa rears, when cornered lights up like a match and free him, but not covering with a towel and try to put me in place.  
\- No however, because in any case they are our shits, we we're together, it doesn’t matter if he is jealous of you and why! -  
\- Yes it is! - I raise a little voice trying to slip, without flinching, while gesturing neurotic.  
\- Why?! - And since he’s going to start with one line of words in Spanish, I think, just I take his face with hands and kiss him.  
Just this. Don’t push him against the wall, don’t touch, don’t patted. I might, I think he would be. But one thing at a time.  
I press only on his lips that finally silences, not breathing, he stays with arms in the air and I savor his mouth that I had missed.  
When I separate myself I just sucked his lip.  
I look at him up close and whisper.  
\- Because are you still in my head, and if there is a little hope it’s my right to know. - Rafa frowns and tries to reconnect, put the towel against my chest trying to push me, but doesn’t put much conviction.  
\- It’s not your right, because I'm with Roger. -  
I caress his face with thumbs and hypnotized him with my intense gaze.  
\- It is, because he’s Roger, has no visions. He sensed something, and if I can hope for something between us, if I can do something, I have to know. It's right. - Rafa shakes his head but didn’t break free even if he could.  
\- Why, what would you do? I'm with him, I never change my mind! -  
\- I will try to win you over. If there is a little hope, I will try to win you over. I couldn’t forgive to have you let go but if I could have you. -  
\- But there, I love Roger, I'm with him! His jealousy is unreasonable! -  
So I have to use strong-arm tactics. I leave his face, I take him by shoulders and push him against the tiles, then a hand down between his legs and touch.  
\- It doesn’t seem indifferent. - His erection is tough, not upright, but close enough.  
Rafa holds his breath and tries to push, but I do strength and remain where I am.  
\- I think Roger is not stupid. Has noticed something, I don’t know what. But he has noticed. And so I. Because I can’t let it go. - Rafa closes his eyes and turns his head to the side, put in the kennel his combative side and lets himself go docile, as if to give me a permit tacit. So I slip lips on his neck and lightweight lick. Gasps.  
Finally, the hand moves and masturbate. I do it seriously.  
I move up and down, clenching, and he doesn’t give me a kick. The towel to his chest down, held for a flap of his hand, a fist pushing me without conviction. Until he brings the other in his mouth and bites not to moan.  
He pushes the pelvis against me and here he comes sensual and warm. I stop, I go back with my lips, lick his fingers that he’s biting, go back up to his mouth, I tease him and in the end I take his hand to take him.  
The suck his lip.  
\- I will not force you, what will happen, it will be because you want to. But I can’t let it go. -  
Then the voices of other players comes in, we separate, we wrap ourselves in the towel and go out.  
He’s bewildered. Very.  
I smile safely.  
Don’t let this go. I can’t."


	12. Obsession of control

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Roger tries to fix his mess with Rafa

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope my translate is pretty well :-(

12\. OBSESSION OF CONTROL

 

/Roger/

  
"If he was easy, perhaps I wouldn’t like him, but sometimes I want to kill him.  
Yes, I said it. But it's true!  
Bouffant for the umpteenth time and Stan raises his eyes to heaven annoyed.  
\- C’mon! - exclaims throwing the cards on the table. I look at him frowning blankly.  
\- What c’mon? - Stan snorts.  
\- Come on, what is it? - His patience is always poor, Stan has a special character, seems gentle, cute and sweet, but in reality with someone who knows is a beast. I love this his contrast.  
When he’s so I call him Stanimal.  
\- There must be something if I want to spend an evening with a friend? - Stan bangs his head on the table theatrically.  
We are in his room, leaded him here after dinner with playing cards imposing my presence and don’t even know if he had other programs.  
Oh well, what programs had to have?  
\- Yup! Because I have given up my things to be with you that puffs and you gave up to be with your Rafa for snorting with me! Now you tell me why puffs or I throw you out! - And so I understand that I can’t make him.  
He is Stanley, knows me better than I know me.  
So let the cards and rub my face and sighed resignedly and nervous.  
\- Well, I had a fight a bit with Rafa ... - Stan laughs.  
\- Really?! And I that thought you were here because you missed me! - I make a face and give him a kick under the table.  
\- Oh come on, be serious! - Stan gets up and throws himself on the bed: is ready to sleep, stretches over the unmade sheets and puts his hands on neck.  
\- Why did you fight? -  
So I get up and I also join him on the bed, where I lay beside him, belly up, the same position, hands behind head.  
\- It’s not that we just had a fight, but he’s annoyed. He annoys when I ask by this writer, what did he say to that, because he has done so ... - And as I speak I feel the gaze amazed and shocked Stan, just around the face and I confirm that stares at me like I was a Martian. - What's up? -  
\- Rog ... you're kidding right? - For him, it's so obvious. I do the touchy.  
\- No, not at all, what is it? -  
Stan sits up on the bed to look good in the eyes and the face 'but you're just stupid’.  
\- Rog, but he’s Rafa! You want to control Rafa obsessively, you know? How can you thinking? To Rafa you can’t say what to do, you can’t make him say everything, you can’t ... come on, you can’t control him because that run like hell! There are people you can do, for example I would leave it to you without any problems. But Rafa is allergic, you know! It’s too independent from that point of view, has that character so ... wild! - As he speaks I realize immediately that he is right, it’s as if I knew myself, but to hear it prevents me to pretend I am right.  
I sigh and do the downcast.  
\- I know I can’t do it with him. But I can’t help it. You know, I have a obsession to do always with everyone, I can’t help it, you know? That beats me! -  
Stan shakes his head and chuckles.  
\- But you can’t, at that came a rash! And then what you have to check? He would give you both of his kidneys! I've never seen a person more dedicated to another! -  
What strikes me, I didn’t imagine that he saw him so.  Apart that he's right, but ...  
\- Is it really so in love? I mean, from the outside you see really that much? -  
Stan smiles a bit sad as it almost always does, and shakes his head back to lie down, but on the side and towards me. The arm folded under the head. I take his own position, it’s how to be the mirror.  
\- You see a lot. Even a blind man would notice! - So I lose a moment and think about it. Really from the outside it looks so? It's nice that it is so.  
\- It’s my obsession, I’m a bit insecure ... I mean I know he's taken from me, but ... boh ... maybe I'm just crazy! - I don’t tell him I'm jealous of Novak because he looked in a crazy way and because Rafa was really nervous with him.  
In the end I feel a little better even if I seem to have solved little, all things considered. But maybe I just have to force myself to not be jealous or at least not to show it.  
\- Anyway, you should talk about it. If you have something specific just talk to him, you can’t stand there like that, come on. - And Stan was right again.  
\- But yes, maybe you're right ... the only thing is to talk ... - I repeat it to convince myself and he, with his usual melancholy smile, yawns and closes his eyes no longer open them again.  
He has an ability to always fall asleep at the oddest moments.  
I smile and pull me up by covering him, then I look the clock and I'm leaving.  
If there wasn’t Stanley, what would I do?  
  
I'm not going Rafa, I leave him in peace even for today.  
  
The next day I have the thought of the talk, don’t know what I should tell him, maybe to apologize because I’m so obsessive with him.  
I cross him in the corridor that descends sleepy at breakfast, when he sees me he stops and in shock mode, opens his eyes as if he had seen a monster and comes up right away a lot of assumptions one worse than the other.  
\- What happened? - rather I wonder now to pretend nothing has happened and make him comfortable. Rafa is even more tents and looks like a cat.  
Good God.  
It's not okay.  
\- N-Nothing, w-what have to be happened? - We left annoyed, not really arguing because with me you don’t fight, I just cut out.  
So now meet again is clearly something a bit special.  
\- Well, you seem strange ... - hesitant we walk to elevator.  
\- Strange how? - We crush the button, he seems increasingly tense.  
\- But ... I don’t know ... almost scared ... - The doors open and we enter, I try to look normal, don’t want to put him cornered, but maybe I'm doing it without realizing.  
We go, we are going to close.  
\- I don’t know what you mean, I have absolutely nothing. - Says dry and abrupt, giving me the confirmation that something he has.  
It happens just when they are almost closed.  A hand stops and re-opens, shortly after check a smiling Novak who, seeing that we are here, is amazed.  
\- Oh, good morning! - He looks radiant.  
\- Good morning. - I answer kindly. Rafa mutters, puts aside and Novak comes in the middle. Obviously we don’t talk more than what we were talking about, but it creates a strange and suspicious silence.  
I don’t know why I don’t speak, perhaps because Novak, who usually always talking, shut up.  
I launch some eye furtively to Rafa fixing the floor as if it was so interesting.  
I am paranoid, I know, but here's something odd.  
Finally we arrive at the ground floor, and the doors open before us presents a familiar face, seeing us, for some reason, bursts out laughing.  
Is Stan and I don’t know what the hell he laughs!  
\- Well? - I ask out first. Rafa expects Novak and then he follows.  
Stan continues to laugh, shaking his head and raising his hand.  
\- Nothing, nothing ... see you later! - Stan eats breakfast early, gets up long before I did, not know how to do, but it is also true that he falls asleep soon.  
His reaction puzzles me, as well as the slap on the butt which gives Novak. Rafa launches a withering look, very fast, but that doesn’t escape me. Then he moves on silent and sulky as if suddenly he had with us all.  
I know with me, maybe I did something, but what have with Novak and Stan?  
Sighing I greetings the Serbian and I follow Rafa before arriving at the restaurant where we will have breakfast with lots of other people who  is not the case see us together.  
I take him by the arm and asked hearing a moment, he slips off the arm and grumbles that we can talk after breakfast. So he sees David, Fernando and Marc and enlightened to see his national teammates and friends, sling it from them.  
Something is cooking. Or maybe I'm paranoid.  
Novak entering looks at him, looks at him taking breakfast and looks at him again while eating with his other friends.  
And I, with my parents, I just want to tear him to pieces.  
Why dare to do so? Still, like that night. I notice, what do you think?  
Rafa no because it's dumb, but I do!  
And speaking of looks of Novak and Rafa nervous, I hope that they are not nothing to do with each other.  
No, come on, I'm jealous because Novak stares at him always, but is not a well-founded jealousy, in my little corner I know. It’s only then when I see him writing a message and talk to him without me know what he say, I go crazy.  
No, this is not good, I have to fix it.  
  
  
Rafa is not happy to do it, but in the end firmly I obligate him to speak to me. More than anything else when he gets back to the room to get ready for practice, I follow him and push him inside and close the door behind me. He whined a lot even with words in Spanish, then I spread my arms and raise my hands like an orchestra conductor who calls the attention of all the tools. Just do it, Rafa falls silent.  
I am pleased to know that I have still a little power over him!  
\- I just want to apologize! I realized that I was too obsessed with control you. I know that's not good. It’s that I struggle to control this aspect of my obsessive way... -  
Rafa seems to calm down and still pouting, but not staring at me like I'm the enemy.  
\- I trust you, it’s not something I do on purpose ... I am that ... I don’t know, maybe is the way Novak looks at you…- At his name Rafa stares at me frowning, as if I had stepped on the tail.  
\- What does he have now? - Asks immediately. I shake hands.  
\- Nothing, I guess. But looks at you in a way that no images when you don’t see and I realize... well, I'm jealous of that, I think.  And then I am so. I have the mania of obsessive control over everything and everyone, but it’s thanks to this that I have achieved my goals and I can manage ... well, basically two completely different private lives. You know ... I have a very precise system control, I manage ... - Gradually I increasingly apologetically and he listens to me by relaxing the muscles of the face that had darkened.  
\- I have nothing to do with the way he or whomever looks at me.  And then if you want to also know I don’t like the too tight relationship you have with Stan, but I don’t treat you like I have to lock you in a room to which I alone have access! - At this laugh. That fantasy.  But it get the idea, in fact.  
I sigh and shake my head approaching, I take his face in my hands and softly and gently, I continue to apologize.  
\- It’s not you, not anyone. I don’t know. It's my way of to do, but I have to learn that I can’t do it with you because you have this wonderful wild character. - Finally he makes a nod smile, seems to drive out their clouds, and I feel better. He puts hands on hips and doesn’t push me away with his fist.  
\- I don’t want to change, you are as you are and I love you so. But I don’t ... I can’t always tell you everything I do, I say, I think ... sometimes I need to isolate myself, to do something on my own ... to have other relationships beyond you ... - I'm going to ask him what kind of relationships, but I think it's exactly the kind of things I need to avoid, so I bite my lip and stalk.  
\- Stanley and I have been friends for many years, we were little. - He nods.  
\- I know, I know ... and I don’t want to stop because of me ... - I smile.  
\- It would be impossible! - He stares at me surprise.  
\- It is impossible for me to prevent Novak to look at me ... as he looks! - chuckled and relaxed kiss him.  
Rafa now is quiet and reciprocates, luck that I come to senses in time, I could do a disaster if I continued that way.  
After the kiss we embrace and remain so for a while, then when we have to part, because time is running far too fast and we have to go to practice, we don’t talk neither Novak nor Stan, I repeat that I will do everything not to be obsessive and he says he will try to be as clear as possible, but I also say that I don’t want he to be because I don’t even want to change and distorts him.  
So kiss him and, before leaving, I caress his cheek.  
Maybe it's just that I love him too much and I'm afraid of losing him, since it's all so strange, chaotic and poised in a thousand different worlds.  
Mirka and I, he and Xisca, tennis, the world follows us, the friends around us. So many things to think about, to control.  
And now Novak seems that projects an attempt to eat him.  
But, dear Roger, you can’t control everything. Sometimes you get carried away by events and simply react after. "


	13. Like a lover

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> From Rafa's side, we see in the early months of 2010, how things went between him, Nole and Roger. Especially how Rafa tries to manage Roger's jealousy against Nole. In his head hiding is the best solution, pure personal peace. But is not that how they seem to really in love? And is not that he really likes Nole to try with him? Meanwhile, in the Roma tournament of that year, the soccer team invited them to attend a match at the stadium and the two went really together.

13\. LIKE A LOVER

/ Rafa /

  
"The luck is that this year Nole and I don’t meet much in the field, so beyond how we stay in the tournament, the thing then handles there, is circumscribed in moments where if I'm careful I’m never alone.  
In short, I run pretty well for a while and when he sees me he flirts, but it depends on who is with me and especially if Roger is in the foreground, and Roger in my foreground is often.  
So as long as we aren’t alone in the locker room for a match, things go smoothly enough.  
After Melbourne with Roger things have improved, maybe because Nole don’t try with me in front of him, it's strange he has that respect, but thank you.  
I didn’t want to tell to Rog about that time in the locker room, he would only feed a jealousy that had reason to be there.  
I have arranged things, I have not given him nothing, it's all right.  
Only occasionally I think of his hand between my legs. How could I do it?  
Every time I think about it, I get excited.  
It was dreadfully beautiful and now when I cross he, when we talk about it, when we trains at the same time or together, it's shocking. I find warm, nervous and excited again.  
How can a person I basically don’t care about, do I end up in these conditions?  
Why, if I'm happy with Roger?  
Last year I met Nole several times in the field, we had a lot of battles in the tournaments, but he was in his place and I felt nothing. I was thinking a little about the night together, but it never caused me some reactions.  
After Australia I don’t know, we have not been in the field yet, but it makes me crazy.  
I control the thing, but it doesn’t mean I don’t always think about it. Why so, just after this second time?  
Just because he said that, he told me he wanted to conquer me and I know he does it every time he finds me alone?  
It’s because I know that I am the object of desire?  
Doesn’t make any sense!  
For my part, I don’t get out of it, and in the meantime Rome gets to throw me in a bang and not short!  
  
We recently arrived in Rome, is a city I love, I find it very similar to a typical Spanish city, people are warm, the environment is ardent and it's all very familiar.  
As soon as I step, I relax immediately and the first thing I do is look for Roger. I write to him immediately asking him for the room number and when he answers me saying that he has not arrived yet, I find the strange thing.  
Then I tell him my number and I'll wait around.  
It's just in this 'around' that I meet Nole.  
In my head I started to call he so, I do not know why, but in front of others, especially Roger, I call he Novak.  
But by first name, not second name as I do with others.  After all, it seems stupid, we compete so much that we see more than we see our respective girlfriends.  
He is very happy to see me and for a moment I wonder if he followed me by accident.  
I look around to see who's in the neighborhood, but outside the bar lounge there is a great way to go between teams that arrive. Someone enters like us to drink something on hold, someone greets us, they are all people of the ATP circuit, between members of respective teams and tennis players, so they leave us all in peace, there is no one inappropriate.  
\- No, I checked before I approached! - He say laughing while he sits at the table with me. I watch he corroded.  
\- Do you have to put here? - And he laughs even harder. Sexy. Fuck!  
\- There are few people and anyway whoever attends our places, knows we are in good relationships, it’s not strange to see us talk! - Yes, they know we're in good relationships, but I don’t like to see too much with him.  
\- Anyway, who did you talk to? - I realize that I took it for granted to speak of Roger, but clearly it’s an absurdity. Why should he check that he was not there?  
And he laughs. I twist his neck!  
\- We both know who, I don’t think it's the place to talk about it. But if you want, we talk about it better in another place! - I sigh with the brunt and drink the fresh drink.  
\- No thanks. -  
\- How are you? - He asks, conversing amiably.  
\- Better before! - I always say scurvy and he continues to have fun. Lucky him!  
\- I'm fine! I'm really happy to have you crossed, I wanted to ask you if you had the invitation for the Roma match tonight! - It completely distracts me.  
\- Yes, but they get it all the best in the tournament, I think they will have an invitation also Roger and Andy ... - Nole shrugs slyly.  
\- Andy doesn’t care about football ... do you know if Roger comes in? - he takes it wide and I, idiot, honestly say.  
\- Oh, I don’t know, we didn’t talk about it, I don’t think so. Not always he participates in these things, but I don’t know ... -  
And he smiles.  
\- I wanted to go, I like football, but not alone ... since I only received the invitation in my group, I wondered if you went there, we could do it together! - And here I am, at the corner, in an instant.  
Boiling, I blush and look at him as if he was crazy.  
\- Do you think that's the case? - He raises his shoulders lightly.  
\- It's an official invitation, everyone knows we like football, I see nothing bad. Tell Roger that comes, we can upset the world! The first 3 of the ATP together at a football match! It would be nice! - I shake my head scared, he loves being in the spotlight, I don’t.  
\- You're crazy, this can’t happen! - He laughs amused and I want to choke him again.  
\- Why not? Are you afraid to have fun too? - Pause and look bad. - Or are you afraid to spend an entire night with me and Roger together? - Allusive and asshole. So much I fall like a pear in his trap.  
\- Fear what? How dumb you are!  
\- And then come on! And even tell Roger! -  
\- Of course I come, and I tell him too! Fear of an evening with you! And why ever? I'm with ... - Down the tone. - he ... but you have nothing to do, even if you don’t understand that! - He was good enough in these early months, maybe because we didn’t manage to fight and so we were not alone under the showers, not to mention the usual end-to-end and the ceremony hugs that always exhaust me, but I was expecting much courtship from him. When he had input, he always did. Even though the few that he had, had put me in a crazy mess. So much that now I don’t know how to get out of it.  
And he smiles happy giving me five.  
\- Great, so talk! We'll have fun! -  
And so, seeing that Roger arrives, he gets up before he gets in the bar and gets to the table together.  
It behaves like my lover, that's what irritates me.  
He’s not my lover, but he behaves as if he were.  
This makes life easier for me, because even if nothing happens between us, Roger wouldn’t be sure and would makes me absurd scenes. I enjoy it, I don’t hide it. But ... in short, he should be quiet!  
We meet, greet us as we normally do and offer him something to drink, if I didn’t do it would be strange and I repeat, this is a protected environment.  
We aren’t much, but we talk about the football game we are invited for tonight and I tell him that I want to go there, but he doesn’t seems to have much desire and I realize that it would be better if he not to come, I don’t insist.  
\- Well, if you don’t want it’s the same, I go anyway ... I know you're not a soccer fanatic like me ... -  
Roger looks at me apologetically, sorry.  
\- I like it, but to follow my teams. Don’t take it, but it's also about seeing you and me in extra tennis event ... I think they would notice it all and ... I don’t know, maybe it's better not to exaggerate. Everyone knows we're in good relationships but ... - I nod and put my hands up.  
\- No, no, I guess I understand, I also did the same mental laps.  All right. If you don’t feel it, it doesn’t matter. - I think I'm sufficiently convincing without exaggerating and so the speech closes.  
I look forward to telling him that Nole is coming to us, if he will see him on television I'll tell I didn’t know he was there too, that we met there by chance.  
However knowing he will not look the match, it should be all right.  
Then I get it over again.  
It's not just Nole who acts as if he were my lover, so I acted as if I were his.  
I repeat that it’s not to make him scenes of jealousy, Roger strives not to control me, but I know he is jealous of Nole and it's not nice to torture him with these things. Even because it's all unmotivated.  
Because it is, is not it?  
It's just Nole who courtships me, I do mortal jumps to not let Roger know about it for my personal peace, but there's nothing left behind. I don’t hide anything else. There is no other reason to deny these small encounters with Nole.  
Which then are really nothing. So yes, it's all right.  
I safeguard my personal peace, avoiding scenes of jealousy unfounded. Is Nole that's taken, not me.  
  
We meet in front of the elevator and then go to the stadium so I get ready for it and change my shirt twenty times. Then as I feel stupid, I stop and take that black one, roll my sleeves and leave it out of jeans, loose the first buttons.  
Then I think of the perfume and I look at it perplexed.  
I put it a bit, without exaggerating. For my hair I can't do better than this.  
I look at the time, I'm late for five canonical minutes. Oh God, but what am I thinking about?  
It's not an appointment between two who are together!  
I look to see if I go well, maybe it's too much, after all it's just a game.  
C’mon Rafa, it’s not an appointment, it’s-not!  
You go with Nole, not Roger. And then there will be billions of people.  
It's a football game.  
I repeat it and in the end I pick up the phone, the ticket, the identity card and the credit card, then I go out.  
I feel stupidly nervous, as if I had to do who knows what whit who knows who!  
But what do I think it is?  
As soon as I see him I blossom my heart into my chest.  
I could convince Roger to come with me, suddenly I seemed to have done everything wrong.  
If we are not doing anything wrong, why do I behave like I do it? And why do I feel so? So guilty, so damn guilty ...  
I sigh and hold my lips. When he turns to me, he smiles brightly.  
He is dressed simpler than me, a short sleeved t-shirt and a light beige jacket. Jeans, sneakers. Simple.  
I'm too much, with this shirt that...  
\- You’re very good! - He exclaims shines, I blush and I'm embarrassed, then I look around to see if there is anyone, but fortunately this is not the case.  
I push the lift button and cough nervous.  
\- Sorry I’m late. - I don’t explain that I didn’t decide on the shirt to wear and that I tried three of them!  
Nole still smiles and is halfway through the open doors, then makes me pass as if I were his girlfriend. He's the gallant guy. Oh Holy Christ!  
I bit my lip and I even more embarrassed, I enters. What a shit idea to come knowing he was here.  
After me, he enters and he comes close, but instead of straightening, he leans toward me.  
\- You have a fantastic scent. What is it? - Fuck, and I did put it a bit. I look at him with eyes worn out and damned embarrassed, and it sees. It’s as if he wanted to kiss me, I move and I tell him the perfume brand.  
\- Good. - He straightens and doesn’t move, pretends I didn’t do anything.  
There is something going on and something will happen if I continue so there is no choice.  
Roger, why the hell are not you here?  
What is he doing to me? Who wanted it?  
I can’t handle it.  
But then Nole starts to talk and joke as usual, does a little bit of a crap and things calm down considerably, especially my nervous. In the car we are together, we have a driver available who takes us to the stadium and then expects us to leave when the match ends, to get back to the hotel.  
Even in the car we talk quietly, joking and when I don’t look, with the defenses lowered, he approaches and puts his hand in front of his mouth to my ear, murmurs slowly.  
\- I’m glad you relaxed, I saw you very tense before …- I look him again like a cat to which the tail was torn and red again.  What an effect that makes me and when I embarrass I become acid for defense.  
\- Tense? But who do you think you are, so important? - I try to be bad to calm myself, but he laughs and is even worse because he has a good laugh. I find him damn sexy.  And laughing he put his hand on my thigh.  
\- I don’t know, why should you be strained to go with me? - He puts as if it was an appointment, fucking is not it, why don’t we stop thinking about it?  
I’m pout and getting take his hand, but the driver tells us that we've arrived in five minutes and will accompany us to the transepts, beyond which he will not be able to enter. But then we will meet again there.  
It's early enough, there aren’t many people and with the special pass that they provided with the ticket, we should go relatively unnoticed.  
Nole nods and thanks without taking off his hand from my thigh, I put mine on his trying to take it without being noticed, but since he puts resistance I can’t bother him as I wish, so he ends up discreetly with his hand where he is, to burn my thigh, and with my over his in the desperate attempt to take it off.  
Then I turn my head toward him and hard and thin eyes that would want to kill him, I murmur:  
\- Do you think you stay there for a long time? - Nole's face is fake innocent.  
\- It bothers you? - And I eat he with the gaze.  
\- Very! - Although it’s not true, because I really like it. Damn, I like it.  
I like to flirt with him, who tries with me.  It’s this. I like to be courted. I think it's pretty normal, this doesn’t take anything from Roger. Everyone is flattered by the courtesies ...  
When we arrive, we go down and finally take off his hand, I come back to breathe and finally I'm fine.  
As expected, we enter without problems thanks to the special pass we have, entrusting us to another employee who greets us happy and escorts us to our locations. Someone recognizes us, shakes hands and takes photos with us, but in general it's not an impossible thing.  
For us tennis players is different than for a singer or actor, I imagine.  
Tennis is less in sight than football, for example, and is more likely to go unnoticed in the crowd.  We have enough to walk without being recognized every second, unless it’s a tennis event and then there is a gathering of people who want to meet us.  
Arriving at our seats, we relax while waiting for the game. We're a little early, but it's normal. Around us the usual stadium atmosphere that I enjoy so much.  
People arrive, a boy recognizes us and asks for a photo. The buzz, the chatter, the voices, the fresh air. Nole takes off the jacket and gives it to me with the phone to stand on the shelf I have close to me, a kind of island that separates us from the others.  
I also put my phone there.  
This do it couple?  
I'll come back to ask when we look around a bit on our own, lost in some reasoning.  
My is this, fixed, always. And tonight more than ever.  
\- So, did you think of my proposal? - When he comes out so, I getting shocked and look at him as if he were a crazy one.  
Red and then a thousand other colors, eyes that speak very well and Nole bursts out laughing.  
\- I meant double together, what did you understand? - At this point, I feel weaker, deeply stupid. - It’s significant that the first thing you thought was that! - He mean the fuck, I guess. I sigh unwillingly feeling bad. This story will kill me!  
\- It's not significant, is that if I'm dealing with a maniac I can only think of that! - It would seem logical, but he laughs and is not convinced of anything, so I change speech. - The double, you say? Are you still convinced? - He nods hopefully and I see that he holds particularly.  
\- It was nice in January, I think we should try …- I sigh and shrug.  
\- I don’t know, but if you want so much ... - Logically I should deny it, but I suspect that as long as we don’t do it, he don’t let it go. Maybe it's better to let him take off this obsession, let's do this double that will go bad and so he'll leave me alone. He will have no more excuses to torment me.   
I justify this as I accept the proposal.  
I give many valid explanations, but perhaps he knows the truth and in his happy eyes shine I realize it. How can I not perceive his thinking behind all this?  
It's me who tells me this will stop him from tormenting me, but the truth is, I like to be tormented and I'm happy to spend time together to train and then to play the tournament.  
The truth is that I want the excuses to pass this damned time together in this way.  
And I will never admit it, I will always give me a thousand other justifications, but I know that when he touch enthusiastic my arm, I wince because I want these things. I want them to die. Desperately.  
And Nole seems willing to give it up again. Yet.  
With some fleeting or intentional touch, with taps with my feet and elbows, approaching me to speak to my ear, attacking me standing to sing the song of Roma with the fans, as if we were a couple, as if I was his girlfriend and he was the guy who grabs me and protects me from the others.  
Inebriating. Simply inebriating.  
Because I'm so good in these clothes, that I hope the evening never ends and, inexorably, horribly, I forget about Roger.  
For.  All.  The time.   
  



	14. When you can't do a thing

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafa and Nole are still at the stadium and come out 'Gypsy' as a topic of conversation. What ruins the atmosphere. Will Nole to remedy?

14.  WHEN YOU CAN’T DO A THING

[ ](http://www.galeonedeifolli.it/tennis/13.jpg)   
[\- video Shakira Rafa Gypsy - ](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_3-GiVIE8gc)   
[\- Nole Troicki parodia Gypsy -](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qtroAInG-1A)

/ Rafa /

 

\- So you are a big fan of Real Madrid! - We're talking about our passions beyond tennis and conversation has taken off in pseudo-normality.  After I decided to tell him that it was good a double for me, he rewarded by giving me a break.  
Now I have the defenses down because apart from some random touch, the situation seems normal and I find him a very nice company. I'm re-evaluating him as a whole. I didn’t know him before, but now I find that he is fit for every situation, he’s nice and enjoyable.  
\- You Milanista! - he nods.  
\- Plus the Milan of the time Sacchi and then Ancelotti, honestly ... now things are a bit weird ... - Let's talk a bit of football as we look at the actions of the game we are watching.  
\- While for musical tastes? - I look surprised at the subject change.  
\- Mah ... mainly Spanish music ... or anyway Latin ...- he nods smiling.  
\- I imagined it ... it's a bit cliché ... -  
\- Do you like Serbian music? - I ask you to understand what he mean.  
\- No! I like pop music, cheerful... but also those beautiful serious music ... - I guess he mean pop artists but who makes serious songs.  
\- Favorite artist? - I'm curious about what Nole's strange world is.  
He seems to think for a moment, then with a wicked air that worries me, he says maliciously:  
\- Shakira! - At this point I almost suffocated with my saliva!  
\- Cute! - He laughs, as always, and his beautiful laughs I'm ashamed.  
\- Seriously is good, I really like her. That's why when I saw the video you did with her I had to parody! - Shaking my head, remembering the video that runs with him with the blonde wig that makes Shakira. I did Gipsy with Shakira, it seemed a nice and funny thing and I did it. I like her music, I'm her fan. She made me look like someone I'm not, the video is nice, I'm pretty, apparently, and she likewise. But seeing me gets embarrassed me a lot!  
And he made me parody!  
\- You had to, eh? - I say angry, trying to undermine how badly I have been.  
He looks surprised by my tone.  
\- Hey, are you taking it? - I raise my shoulders and I'm interested in the game, which is not at all. He protrudes toward me by touching my arm and, since I ignore him, he takes it. - C’mon, did you really catch it? I do imitations, I like it, you know it! It seemed to you to have fun ... - He did last year with me in front of the Rome Prize. It was fun, I laughed, we spoke in front of everyone, it was a weird feeling.  
\- That's different ... you ... with Gipsy ... - But I can’t even say anything and shake my head. - Oh, let it go ... - But clearly if you tell him to lose, he will never lose!  
\- C’mon! - And Nole hangs my arm holding his chin on my shoulder. - Come on, what? Come on ... - He begins to repeat it and as he fixes me in this way leaning against me, it's better that I answer to scroll he off, at times it becomes really unsuitable.  
\- You have mocked me, you have not imitated me like this last year here in Rome! - Silence, I said dry, then I shake my head again and put my hand on his face pushing, I hope they are not looking at us. Fuck! Look at what I have to do!  
He straightens up and looks me shocked by the revelation.  
\- Are you angry? Did you really feel bad about it? But I didn’t want it, I did it because it was fun and ... and I really liked it and ... - I sigh and close my eyes.  
\- Listen, can we talk about it anymore? No matter, you wanted to do it and you did it. Enough! - But when I look at him, he has the sorry pout and puppy air, he doesn’t seem convinced.  
\- How can I make you forgive me? - I shrug my shoulders.  
\- It doesn’t matter, it's over! Stop it! -  
\- But I ... - And so I get a little voice to silence him.  
\- Stop. - Finally he is silent. For a while, we look at the game in silence and there are very engaging actions, so we are distracted and no longer return to the subject.  
When I saw him I struggled to digest him and I realized I had done well to choose Roger, he’s honest with me. Nole ... I don’t know, it's really unreadable!  
That's why I've always taken it with the springs.  All.  Also his try with me, his obsession on me ...  
The silence remains for at least twenty minutes and since I don’t like to close with him, though then it would be the ideal to assure my personal serenity, especially with Roger, I go back to talking to him asking him something that has nothing to do and he then answers turn on again, he always has the air to have the tail between his legs, but it’s different ... he doesn’t even dare to touch me. He is full of respect.  
Well, maybe it's getting easier for me now to have to deal with him.  And maybe he grows, too!  
  
Let's go a few moments before the final whistle to avoid the folks, they accompany us at the exit to which we are picked up by the driver who brings us back to the hotel. Even in the car he still has that attitude withdrawn, very strange for his standard. I should be happy, but instead I'm sorry that he doesn’t touch me anymore and that he is so courteous and detached. It's as if something had broken.  
I didn’t want this. I didn’t want it. It was going well.  
Yes, but maybe too.  
What should I do? Restoring the thing even though it was going to lead to a potential disaster, or is it best to leave it all so?  
In the elevator my heart beats me crazy, because after this it will be over. Or I do something now or is over.  
\- It was shortly after you leave me. I was sick. I was very bad, because I had hoped and wanted to go ahead with ours thing and ... I don’t know, I reacted like that. By shit, I know it. I didn’t think it could hurt you, or rather yes, but at that time was what I wanted. But then it's over, you didn’t say anything and I forgot about it. And the other times that we saw last year I managed to handle it, I put it off, I started again, I did a reason for it... at that time I wanted to hurt you, I hated you. - when he says it, silence becomes deafening even though he was already heavy before.  
So I look at him with the heart gone crazy, the emotion is crazy, so crazy. I'm both happy and sorry and... and I don’t know, this way of waiting.  
\- It doesn’t matter ... - But he insists and he puts in front of me, so I lean my shoulders at the mirror of the elevator that rises.  
\- It matters. Because I don’t want you to feel bad about it. I'm sorry you've been bad. It's just that's my way of reacting when I'm sick. I redefine the object of desire or anyone who has hurt me. Then I pass it over. - I sigh looking him in the eyes with such a difficulty.  
\- Okay, I must apologize, too, I didn’t know I had hurt you so much. It seemed to me that it went well, but clearly you did well to hide what you felt. I was selfish, I used you to be better and then I left you in that shit way ... - But the doors open at this time and we straighten up, it would not be the case to let others see that.  
We go into the corridor, toward the rooms. The heart beats crazy, it will never stop. Why am I so excited, excited and disheveled?  
It's Nole, it's not Roger. I love Roger, I want him from a lifetime, now things between high and low lows are fine. Why this thing with Nole? Why?  
I can hardly control it, I tremble while I put the magnetic key in the slot of my room and he notices it, takes it and puts it in my place, opens my door and looks at me seriously, telling me to come in with his eyes.  
I will go in and say hello and it will end here.  
Nobody knows how confused and disturbed, not even him. Although perhaps he noticed.  
It is silent that I go through the threshold with him who keeps me open the door. Then I stop, I look at him. I swallow.  
Let's go Rafa, say hello. Greet him.  
You can’t want he to come in.  
\- We're both wrong, we're equal. We close the thing. - I finish thinking a bit about everything. He nods. He waits a invite to come in.  
And I expect him to come in.  
Then his words rub into my head.  
'You will want it when you will feel ready.'  
He knew that I was doing so.  
How do I get back to Roger while I want Nole?  
Why am I so stupid? Why?  
I love Roger and I want Nole? Can I?  
My hand on the door to close it, his on the handle. I lick my lips.  
\- I was fine tonight ... apart from that ... - He says smiling. He has a low, penetrating tone.  
\- Yeah ... well ... It was very beautiful ... - Surprisingly beautiful.  
Come in. Come in you. No, don’t Rafa.  
The struggle is a hallucinating thing, but in the end, as always when it is me, I act impulsively without using the brain.  
As soon as he leaves the handle to go, I take his wrist with a click that surprises me first, then I pull him in and close the door.  
To the hell, if I want, I can’t do anything.  
I would be anyway bothering Roger's relationship to see him without having him, I see Nole every holy tournament and Rog is already jealous of Nole, what do I do, fuck everyone and stand good?  
I close the door I take his face in my hands and kiss him.  
As soon as I have the lips on his I feel better, that sense of inner explosion calms down and goes even better when he takes my waist and opens his mouth against mine. I pierce my head and improve access, I press more on him and put my tongue in his. I come across, we interweave, caress ourselves, we suck each other and with impetus, a crazy fire we continue this foul, wrong kiss that will be my end.  
But I can’t help, I can’t. I could explode.  
I don’t know why. I don’t know what it is. I know at some point I had to do it.  
I take a step back, I stop kissing him and I take off my shirt fast, he's gone shocked.  An fact is a kiss, but here it goes beyond.  
Oh, I can’t stop me now. I can’t. I would die if I stopped.  
I open the jeans and pull them off with the boxers, then take off his jacket, pull out his shirt and open the jeans fast, without breathing. Madness. Pure madness.  
No, I can’t stop.  
I can’t handle it anymore.  
I just want one night. Just once.  
I can’t do it anymore.  
I must.  
When he is naked, I take him by the hand and I throw on the bed, I climb in four leaving him behind, I put my fingers in my mouth and I overlay of saliva then I put them between my legs, from below, and then inside me. I lay my face on the mattress and close my eyes sighing in feeling my fingers inside, but he doesn’t let me do it for a long time. He takes my hand firmly and replaces it.  
His mouth, his tongue, his fingers until it is no longer sufficient, until I ask him more.  
\- Fuck me ... fuck me now ... - There is no time for anything else, no play, no preliminary, no mouth in other areas.  
Just he takes me, kneeling behind me and slip in me and I throw my nape back, I bend my back and I give to him all myself in the best way, opening more my legs and crushing my chest again on the bed.  
\- Ah ... ah well ... here, so ... - I couldn’t do it anymore!  
At this point Nole begins to move without compassion, feeling like a fool.  
He goes in and out, and with every thrust he is stronger, he is sinking more, he is more perfect than the other time.  
Vulgar.  
Just a fuck, nothing more.  
A point, a challenge. Something that if I don’t do I send everything to the air, but if I do it calm me down.  
And as he fucks me, as I take it, I feel better.  
When he press on the point that makes me crazy, I get up with my back, I bend over his chest and masturbate as he continues to take me. So the chills cover me slowly in every part of the body, from head to toe, explode inside me and then out. I moan trying not to shout and Nole holding me for my hips, check with my face on my shoulder, lick my neck and panting is on my ear.  
\- Are you ok? - He asks seeing me lost, fully held by him who had to slow down for my orgasm.  
I find myself, nod and turn my head to his, I pull out my tongue and he does the same, I suck, then we kiss. Finally I get back down and he starts to move better, faster.  
As long as the world disappears again with his explosion inside me, a liquid heat invades me and I don’t understand anything for a long while. They are our breaths in unison, bodies that boil hot and sweaty. And his mouth on my neck. I turn the head, he bent on me after he came.  
He covers me from behind.  
I'm looking for his mouth and I still kiss him.  
It’s not okay, I'm ruining everything and I don’t understand why, but I just know that if I didn’t do it once and for all, I would go crazy, I would not do anything more. Neither tennis nor Roger.  
I just hope that after this I come back healthy, in me, normal. I really hope, damn it!  
That madness is over.  
We separate, we move in the right direction of the bed and we push under the blankets, ignoring the semen that dries on the bedspread and what slides down from my legs, his.  
Tomorrow morning I will wipe out every trace, clean everything and close this moment wonderfully crazy in a drawer that will not reopen anymore.  
But in the meantime I turn to Nole who surrounds me with his arms and keeps me. He's hot, He’s so hot.  
And as I fall asleep, he tells me.  
\- You just have to do what you want when you want and how you want it. Because it's your beauty. If you feel obliged or compelled you will never do it, indeed, you will go away. And Roger is all the opposite. He is the one who controls and does make what he wants to the one who is close to him. Your reaction is this. Doing the hell you want, to feel free. Because you are so and you are as beautiful as you are. Without true obligations, duties and ties. - It is as if peace is spreading within me, while I find the answers that I was looking for obsessive.  
Damn it, it's as he says. It's just how he says. "


	15. PROHIBITION ISSUES

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the end Rafa has surrendered, but we see how Nole lives immediately after, what he thinks, what to test and what happens on the morning of the fact. Nole analyzes Rafa and maybe we understand more about that complex and contradictory boy.

15\. PROHIBITION ISSUES

 

/ Nole /

  
"On the one hand, I think I understand Rafa.  
He doesn’t go to what he wants or desires but what they forbids him or what he feels banned from situations, roles, and rules ... and is there eventually he fixed involuntarily and ends up doing it in one way or another.  
Roger was a point, not that love and the attraction real couples live. For Roger, maybe I don’t know about this, I don’t know him to say that. But Rafa felt a great reverence for him, it was Platonic love, and if he had not been so psychotic, he would never have been with him.  
But Roger was the forbidden dream and when something is forbidden is there that Rafa arrives and struggles and does so until he takes it.  
Roger gave up, stop. Who doesn’t give to Rafa when Rafa wants something?  
I’m the same speech, only more carnal than anything else.  
Now he’s with Roger, that is, apart from the facade relationship they have with Xisca and the other with his wife who would clearly run a saint.  
That's why he does it. He wants and does. But not because it is impossible to avoid it or be stronger than him.  All balls! Attraction is fought, only death doesn’t fight.  
It is that I tricked him to pull to me and turn him on the slightest interest, then he understood that, in any case, he couldn’t because he was with Roger. And he was there that fucked up. In fact, he has been fired by me!  
Because if he didn’t have the idea of ‘I can’t', he would never have known me or at least he would never have wanted it to this point.  
Now he has spent the months saying that he couldn’t even if he wanted and in the end hey, you are Rafael Nadal! In the end he'll always explode!  
I knew it would be so. I knew it.  
Now I don’t know what he really feels about Roger, me and anyone else. But on doing something that he can’t, for him is so it goes.  
Even in tennis is so.  
There was Roger the king. Couldn’t think to beat him and overcome him. Crazy who try it.  
He not only thought but also tried and he succeeded.  
It was pure stubbornness, because when you look at him, you know it’s that. He hangs.  
I can’t do it? Now let me see you!  
It's a matter of prohibitions.  
Nobody can forbid something to him.  
That's why his nickname is well-known.  
Manacour bull. Seriously? He's a bull done and done.  
Red is its fixed nail and goes against it until he kills it.  
It’s the same with any kind of prohibition. He goes on until he wins. Although maybe you could live without it.  
As far as I was concerned, he was a challenge, a great challenge.  
After he fucked me that way and dumped me I was sick and I felt stupid enough to ridicule him, then I realized I was that ridiculous and I put things right between me and me.  
Until I realized that Rafa really is attracted by me and then goodbye. I should have him.  
I used the best method, I knew that by giving him a minimum, he would fall as a pear.  
Now I don’t say I'm in place and realized, but I don’t expect a relationship and things like that. He will never leave Roger, unless he gets the consciousness out of him, which may be.  
Anyway, I'm fine with what I've got and if I still have him, better, but for sure I'm not fight like last year for what I will never.  
If he want to, I'll be worried to let he know that I'm ready at all times, but he feels free to do what he want.  
The rest will be a matter between him and his conscience and his obsessions.  
  
I get silent from the bed, sit down and look around. He sleeps like a baby, belly down and his fist close to his mouth. I smile. I look his naked body, his back, his leg bent sideways, the sheet that hides his high and solid ass.  
He trains well.  
A mischievous smile comes to me and I take the sheets and pull discovering all, slowly. Here, so it's better.  
It’s one of the most beautiful visions ever. I bite my lip and finally I think about it. I wanted to go silent without waking him up and seeing how he reacted, but it's worth taking advantage of, it could be the last time.  
So I put on carpons on his legs, careful not to touch and wake him, then with the tongue I delineate the curve of his buttocks that makes me crazy every time I see it.  
He still taste by me and sex, and this smell makes me crazy, though thinking about it is perverse on my part.  
I put my tongue in the slot, on the sacred bone, and then slid down helping me with my hands to widen. At this point he wakes up, bend even better the leg to the side giving me access.  
I laugh but I take again possession of his slit and then his entrance that knows me still.  
The smell of sex is the same for everyone, but when he does with you and you know ,it’s different, it's even more exciting. Not because that's your smell, but because is you that brand him.  
Rafa is mine with this smell on him, when he will wash it, will not be more mine, but I want to brand him again. In a different way.  
I quickly enter my finger instead of my tongue, and immediately comes in and Rafa brings out his butt that remains mine more than ever.  
\- Mmm ... - He starts. I smile. He rises on his knees, crushing the top of his torso on the mattress, his face on the pillow, his eyes blatantly closed, a voiceless request.  
It's clear what he wants, but look at it: before he did so much to get fucked and now he seems unable to quit.  
\- Rafa ... - I begin to torment his openness, making him moan as well as go crazy.  
\- Mm? - He can’t even talk.  
\- I have a problem ... - I'm smart.  
\- What? - He asks annoyed that I want to talk about it right now.  
\- You want to be fucked by me ... - Obviously.  
\- What do you think? - He answers more and more scorbutically.  
\- But I need to be prepared, otherwise the toy will not work ... - It's a huge ball, because I just need to touch myself to get excited, but if it does, it's better.  
So Rafa turns his head off and over his shoulder looks at me straightening behind him, I keep the cock that is not at the top and I look at him with a wait, innocent.  
Rafa bites his lip and with a crouching look he pulls on, turns and always in that fabulous position, leans on his elbows, stretches the legs on knees and bows all over, opens his mouth, and brings it in.  
Bravo my Rafa.  
He understands it right away.  
I put the tip on the tongue waiting, then it helps with the hand that accompanies it inside and out.  
It envelops me warm and wet and determined, without hesitation. I go up to his throat and move the pelvis back and forth and he sucks up with that lips noise that makes me crazy.  
I look at him from above, his back, his head.  
God, he makes me crazy as well.  
Maybe I'm expecting when and if he wants to do it again was a joke. I had just fucked, I was done. But I think I'm going to have a withdrawal crisis after a while.  
My groans stand up in the room as I accompany him with hand on his curved neckline and in the end here it is, in the end I am coming to come and pulled him off taking his hair. He sets me up excited rather than annoyed and surprised me.  
Ah, then he likes being commanded!  
Maybe that's also what he’s looking for above Roger.  
Roger checks, but is sweet as a person. They fuck in a classic and sweet way ... but I think Rafa has a manic and perverse side, I think he likes to be tied too, if that's so.  
Well, you've found bread for your teeth, my obsession.  
\- Turn around. - I say hard. Rafa is silent and comes back as before, he gives me his butt that I had prepared, I slit my hand and suck my fingers and put it in quickly. Then without losing the moment, because then I'm going to have the orgasm, I take again and penetrate him.  
A definite shot and there, he buzzes his back, his head back, his hands grasp the sheet, his muscles tenses, all. Arms, shoulders, back, buttocks. He shakes me and makes me go crazy, I feel bad and I stop for a moment.  
When he get used he loosens me and then without saying anything, start to move. One push, then another and finally another one.  
The world disappears around me, pushed after push.  
And he who sucks me, engulfs me, holds me in.  
As long as he calls my name by raising his voice, I have to bend over him, cover him and close his mouth with a hand so as not to let him hear it out.  
I think this thing he likes because he comes right away.  
Again.  
I shoot the ear with my teeth.  
\- Shut up or everybody will hear us... - I say low, but he is now in the peace of the senses because he doesn’t make any verse, so I get up and take what is mine, increasing the speed and intensity, until I come as I see that he sucks the middle finger. Why the hell he does it now? Fuck!  
I go out of mind, like hell.  
Orgasm is something incredible and I think it will always be stronger every time. Every time ... how many I think I’ll have yet? Rafa is psychopathic, unpredictable ... maybe this will be the last ...  
To this idea I feel bad, it can’t be the last one.  
And where is my good will not to do anything if he doesn’t want me anymore, to not humiliate me in follow him?  
I was fool when I thought about it!  
I lean on him, I'm on my knees and hands, as if I covered him. He turns under me, panting, the bodies that smell of us, of sex, of sweat. But hot, we tremble.  
\- What the hell did you do to me? - I'm shocked, panting. Our eyes meet.  
\- You, what did to me?! - He says upset. - You fucked me twice in less than 24 hours and every time I asked you! Can I know how the hell did you do? - At this I laugh, at least he recognizes that he has asked it.  
\- My irresistible charm has struck ... - I joke on and he suddenly pushes me and put me under him and overturns the positions. He holds my wrists at the sides of my face and I look surprised. Now he is the master. If I had not just got an orgasm I would soon get my dick hard. He sit on me and keep bending over me, his face near mine, looking at me.  
\- Don’t joke! Last night you said something ... -  
\- That you doing forbidden things because no one can command you the opposite? For the taste of being free to do them? - He seems to think about it with the pout and I take it with my teeth, he doesn’t rebel, then pulls his head back and replies:  
\- A pique? Spirit of contradiction? Caprices? - I shrug my shoulders.  
\- Choose the one you like, that's it. - I see him in a bit of a crisis and I think I have to give him a hand, at least. And by the way I slip with hands on his body and I stand on his ass. Gravitational center.  
\- But I love Roger. - I shrug my shoulders.  
\- But also to be free to do something. You couldn’t go with others and you went for that. Not because you wanted it. It could also be another who knew how to cuddle and chew you ... is that the idea of not being able to do it. You hate a ban. -  
Listen carefully to everything I tell him and don’t oppose the vision I give him, so in the end he gets up on my legs and sits straight, he thinks with his gaze lost in the void.  
\- So I will never have a true relationship ... - How true a relationship always lived in the shadows is true.  
\- You couldn’t have Roger because he seemed unreachable, impossible ... and in the end you did. But if you want to know what I think ... - Move the gaze on mine encouraging to say it, so I get up on my elbows and look at him I continue: - It was Platonic love, not carnal. You could go on worshiping without bringing you together, if you had not got what’s impossible. It's like tennis. The more a goal is crazy, the more you do as long as you get there. - Rafa keeps listening to me and drinking every word I tell him. I think he know in his mind that I'm right, that's so. Otherwise he would kill me.  
\- Am I such a bad person? - I shrug my shoulders.  
\- You're a person. Praise and defect we all have. Yours are these ... - He shakes his head and comes down from me, sitting back looking at the ground. - I don't see my strengths now... - He seems to be very touched by this thing, he feels really bad, in guilt. I'm sorry, but it's not my fault. It’s not the gun the guilty, the guilty one is who presses the trigger. I'm the gun, but he's the gunman.  
I get up, crawl next to him and surround him with my arm, then kiss his cheek:  
\- Kidding? You are a sweet person! - Rafa smiles and bows his head toward me as if to accept my kiss.  
\- Thanks, but it's not true at all. I have a bad character and now I betray as a whim! - So I reinforce the grip on him and I still kiss his cheek, sliding toward his mouth, I stay on his skin to answer.  
\- Everyone can do it. -  
\- But not everyone does. -  
\- Now that you know how you are done, you can take action if you feel guilty, if you can’t bear the idea of betraying. You know you could do it for your free spirit ... but you can fix it to the root. - I'm gently walking toward me. A Rafa free from sentimental ties, the real ones and not the formal ones, is a Rafa accessible to everyone anytime. I think it's anyone's dream!  
So he turns head toward mine, his lips on mine, pulls his head back to keep me from kissing his.  
\- And the real strengths? - I look at him bending my head, contemplating him with an eccentric smile.  
\- You're beautiful? - Blushes and laughs. - The gorgeous smile ... - That I kiss to betrayal. Blushes again. - Your shyness despite your passionate side. And you set a goal and you get it, though sometimes that goal is incorrect. But you get to the point, in the end. - He sighs still sad, so I lift my hand out of his waist and put it into his hair. - You’re a thoughtful person, in your own way. You're hot. You're sweet to who you really know. You're fragile. So fragile you want to be protected but you don’t have the courage to ask for it. - He frowns while I'm run, maybe I'm exaggerating. I guess I said a lot too much. - You are fantastic in your complexity, in your defects, in the shit you do, and then in your combat, in your will to succeed, to get there, to have. And the hunger for freedom.  And the insecurity with which you faces life, the contrast between fear and passion. You are so contradictory, so gorgeous ... - With this I take his lips and I will not let them, I interweave to my own and suck it. He stays breathless, I think I've shocked him. Only an idiot wouldn’t understand that it’s a statement, it only miss that I tell him I’m lost and done. The point is I didn’t think I was at this. I didn’t believe it.  
For a moment I think about Stan and when, staying sick, we find ourselves and console each other. It’s not even remotely comparable to this.  And so, on his mouth, I get to say more shocked than ever.  
\- God, what did you do to me? - But Rafa doesn’t answer, raise a hand on my cheek, open his mouth better and push his tongue in search of mine.  
intertwine to one another, tireless.  
What strength do I have to get out of this room now?  
When I’ll do it will return to normal. He will pretend nothing and try not to be alone with me, deny me all again and the dream will be over. I don’t want it to end, I don’t want it.  
Dream, it lasts forever.  
Why should this be the case?  
  
After showering both of us, we get dressed and see that I have to change, I go out before, checking that there is no one in the corridor who sees me coming out of his door. Before I go I turn to him and smile, he’s seated that he slips his shoes, the soft wet hair around his face, wavy. He smells of himself, now, not me anymore. He's no longer mine.  
But I smile.  
\- See you around. - I murmur slowly pretending me cheerfully. He reciprocates and nods.  
\- I'll let you know when double is good to me... - When he says I'm stunned. It means he doesn’t reneged. It means he doesn’t want to truncate and pretend nothing.  
Besides, it would be stupid, we meet many times in the field and even outside... it’s impossible to think about avoiding us.  
The smile now improves and I make the sign of OK, then I get out lighter and happier.  
It’s not said, after all, that the dream is over. "


	16. Greek tragedy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The dear Stanley is in a difficult situation and while he believes to live forever in the shadow his feelings, something unexpected happens. A spark triggers a change and suddenly everything goes further. Much over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is on the side of Stan, so we see a bit of Nole's business and a bit of Roger's. Stan in his matrimonial life has split twice with his wife, when he did the second one in 2015, his wife said she did it for Stan's continues betrayals and for his great needs for freedom. Helped by this information, I have manipulated things as I please. I hope to have to do a comprehensible translation!

16\. GREEK TRAGEDY

  
  
/Stan/  
  
"I am pacifically and depressively walking down in the corridor with the training bag in the back, directed to the lockers of the circuit, when a bison invests me, grabs me by the arm and drags me with him towards I don't know where.  
\- Nole, can I know what the hell have you? - I’m trying to pull out my arm to survive, but he doesn’t seem to want to leave me anyway. So we go into the changing rooms where there is a little go of players who change, some come, others go.  
He looks at them and waits impatiently to get off their feet, greet some, as I also apologize for the scene and when it finally seems there is no one, he closes the door to key.  
\- But Nole! - I'm upset. Raises his shoulders.  
\- Oh, for a moment they will not die! They can also go to the other locker room! -  
I look at him frowning.  
\- But it's women! - So he raises his shoulders again.  
\- So? I would go! - I sigh and close my eyes and put down my things.  
\- You have 3 seconds then I open the door! - Serious and moodiness.  
He claps his hands jumping in front of me like a cricket, he is very happy and it irritates me because I’m very depressed. Roger continues to break the boxes on his doubts about Rafa.  
\- Good. I'll be concise. -  
\- It would be a miracle! - it's talkative!  
\- I fucked with Rafa! Again! - I open my eyes and stare him.  
\- What?! - And he smiles even more.  
\- I know, what shock, huh? - Nole and I have a relationship of pure fuck-friendship, when we feel down we do it, but there are no commitments of any kind between us. I'm lost for Roger, he for Rafa... well, ‘lost’ I didn’t think it was the right term, but apparently ...  
I start again to prepare myself without detaching eyes from him.  
\- Explain. -  
So Nole takes off his clothes to put on a lightweight to train.  
\- Yeah. Well, last night there was the football game, right? We went together, Roger didn’t want to come, I don’t think he knew I was coming and Rafa to prove that he has nothing with me, he came alone. - It must be interpreted, but I think I understand the background. I nod. - And in short, the evening was beautiful, until we talked about my stupid parody at his video with Shakira. - I close my eyes and sigh, shaking my head.  
\- Had he took it badly, didn’t he? - How do I know him well ... not that a genius wants to understand that he’s permalous!  
\- He usually laugh, but in that I've been particularly heavy... -  
He admitted, and I look skeptical. - Okay, really fucking! - So I nod.  
\- And did you quarrel? -   
\- No, but a bit of frost has come, I didn’t know how to fix it ... and finally in the elevator I explained to him that I was sick of being dumped and I reacted thus, ridiculing the object of desire. But that has changed nothing, even though I control me. - By now I am almost ready, he is a little behind, so I expect to open the door hoping it will not knock anyone.  
\- Hurry up. - I incite him.  
\- Yeah, well, we made it clear ... everyone admitted their own faults, closed the case and ... when he said goodbye, he pulled me in his room and fucked. Twice. One last night and one this morning a few hours ago! I could faint if I think about it! Stanley, what the hell did he do to me? I thought I was under control, I tried, I realized he was intrigued by me, but I thought it was all about sex, the whim, you know ... - I bend my eyebrows surprised.  
\- And is not that? - Nole shakes frantic his head.  
\- NO! - Then he lowers his voice. - It's ... it's like I couldn’t keep far away from him, I was going convinced that I had taken what I wanted and then ... oh dammit! And then the disaster! I did it again. -  
\- And he was ok? - I'm skeptical. He nods always frantic. I bend my lips down impressed and I lift my shoulders opening the door.  
\- Well, then you no longer need me as a hole ... - Then I stop and think about it. - But what about Roger? - We stop at the open door, but we don’t leave and he shrug.  
\- He's confused, he doesn’t know what to do, he's got hurt. He says he's a bad person and ... I've been kindly advised to take a break if he thinks he's so terrible and he can’t betray him. - I look at him again without understanding.  
\- You are terrible! You're handling him! - Nole lights up like a match pushing me, so we go.  
\- Look, is it true, uh? - I hold my shoulders. - Of course! That's right! We talked a bit about it, he stubborns on things he can’t have for some reason, the forbidden, right? Because no one can forbid anything at him. It's kind of a sense of freedom ... It's not that he wants me or loves Roger in the normal way that someone loves. He really liked Roger, maybe he loved him ... -  
\- But it's more a Platonic thing ... - I finish it for him because I agree, I always thought about it and he widen his theatrical arms as I nodd.  
\- And with me, yes, I was good at teasing him, but it was the idea he couldn’t do it because he was busy with Roger, you know? If he was free, he didn’t even look me! -  
I still nodd, in fact I agree with this view of Rafa, it is part of his charm, but it’ not good for someone who wants to have serious relationships.  
\- Have you talked about it? - he says yes.  
\- That's why he is in crisis, he says that he can’t have relationships ... - Sigh.  
\- Not with anyone who has to check the life, the death and the miracles of those who are with him. Roger is the worst for him.  As a friend is different, he is an excellent confidant, gives you advice, hears, is present and patient, but as a boyfriend he is obsessed and this makes runs away one like Rafa. I see them splendid as friends but terrible as boyfriends ... - My conclusion is shooting out for the first time and he listens to me in the field where we are in one of those available and, talking, we start warming up a bit before we begin to shot with the racquets.  
\- That's what I think. And I think that in the end he will not fool Roger. He is not bad and petty, he has done something petty, but this doesn’t make him petty. - I look at him thoughtfully with my mouth down.  
\- These two will not last long. - With this conclusion I think of Roger.  
I'm sorry for him.  
  
I try to avoid Roger because I know a burning thing that I don’t want he to know from me, Rafa must tells him, hoping to do it, but he seems too transparent to hide something.  
So let's say I hope that the thing it solves itself, in one way or another. I don’t know.  
Roger unfortunately knows me well, he can interpret all my looks, my silences, and even my absences.  
So at the end of the day, I get into the room with Nole to avoid finding him in the room asking me what I have. I also turn the phone off.  
\- Oh, come on! Don’t tell me he drained you! - I murmur as I work with my mouth between his legs. Nole rises on his elbows and looks at me while I stare at him annoyed continuing with my hand.  
\- Well, in less than 24 hours I did it twice and both were very intense! -  
\- Just because you wanted more! - I'm bothered.  
\- Well, of course ... what are you, jealous? - So I get up and stop to do stupid things.  
I throw it on my bed and I go back to my side.  
\- You know I don’t care. But if we decided to distract us when we needed it, what's the point if when I need, you don’t work? - With that, annoyed, he stare at me frowning.  
\- Hey! It works, just I have to reload! - But I turn pissed off.  
\- Yes, yes, if I were Rafa it worked, then! - Then I turn around and hold my head on my bent arm. He after a bit crawls over me, standing on his side and wrapping me from behind, gently. A arm at my waist and then on my chest to look for my mouth carelessly.  
\- I'm there for you, I'll always be there for you. Just sometimes I have physiological needs ... - Sighing impatient. This is not even the point.  
\- I'm ... I'm just nervous because I don’t know what to do with Roger ... that's all. I know a terrible thing, I don’t want to tell him, but if he looks at me in the face, he knows I know something terrible about him and ... I'd end up telling him. Besides, I love him and I hate he can suffers, but on the other hand I'm happy that Rafa has betrayed him because maybe so they leave and it's ugly to think of it, I love him but am I happy if he suffers? -  
\- In short, a Greek tragedy! - Says Nole after listening to my lament. So I make a smile.  
\- I don’t know what to do, I feel guilty about how I feel and I know I can’t avoid him forever. - Sigh for the umpteenth time and he kisses my shoulder and neck and then goes back to ear gently.  
\- You will see that somehow it will be resolved ... -  
I don’t say anything, I let him cuddle me, that, at least, he gives me this heat.  
\- That's 'somehow' makes me afraid. - Why it seems to me that from now on, some catastrophe would happen?  
  
  
The next day I don’t go out alive.  
I knew that was so, when Roger came to me at the breakfast table I realized he had to have it.  
\- Now tell me what the hell is going on! - I look at him frowning.  
\- Good morning to you, huh? - I try to divert my gaze and talk, but he looks like a mastiff, then I look around for someone who is not there. - And Rafa? - I ask. He makes a faint face and here I understand he didn’t try to know what I have, but to tell me what he has.  
What a fuck, what did I think?  
With a bit of disappointment I keep to eat preparing for a psychotic monologue that in this case is true.  
\- He said he didn’t feel the top and wanted to rest because they are to start the matches and he wants to be rested ... - I look at him frowning again.  
\- Since when you don’t see him? - He raises his shoulders and makes a brink that destroys me. Oh, how can I not to love him?  
\- Since he's been here, two days ... - I look at him intensely, I stare at him carefully trying to figure out what he really knows.  
It’s difficult to understand it. I try to investigate without finding out, but it's really difficult.  
\- Are you depressed for this? - What a skill I am!  
Roger sighs and takes the cup that sips with the pout.  
\- Well, I can’t complain if you think that in a tennis season that lasts practically 10 months to 12 we always see ... but it seems strange that he avoid me for 2 days. It is not? You always tell me not to be paranoid and to leave the grip because otherwise he runs away, so I try not to hold him. I must do it? I don’t understand if in this case I have to worry or not! - Roger explode and I finish to eat, so I get up and I try to get out of here, but he hurries to finish, leaves half the breakfast and walks over me. - Oh, let's go, I know I'm a jerk that always says the same things, but I need it! -  
\- But what? I don't know anything! Seriously! - And at this point I fuck myself because he understands what I was trying to not make him understand, in fact he takes my arm and pulls me stopping.  
\- What are you talking about? - As if I had said 'I know but I can’t tell you'. Why the hell is so clever to understand me? Damn!  
I try not to make grimace of any kind, but it is difficult.  
His hand tightens my elbow and his air is attentive, corrugated, frowned.  
Damn!  
\- I don’t know, what you're talking about? - I try to confuse him by making the false stupid, but he is now very attentive and present.  
\- What are you talking about? What did you know nothing about? -  
\- You said ... - I'm trying to remember what the hell he was saying and he lights me up.  
\- If I'm paranoid again or if I should worry about him! - Fuck, I got the wrong answer, I was taken by what I should not tell him.  
I hate Nole telling me everything, if I didn’t know nothing now I wouldn’t be in this damned mess!  
I free my arm, seeing that some players come I restart walking, he follows me close and sets me up, but doesn’t give up. I don’t even know what to do, where to go. I get into the elevator and he then stops it to insist.  
\- Stanley! - And use the nickname! I raise my eyes to heaven.  
\- Let's go, I don’t know if you have to worry or not! -  
But he opens his arms insistently.  
\- You always know it! You are objective and direct! Mostly in these specific cases where you have to tell me to leave Rafa in peace! -  
Holy shit.  
I shake my exasperated head, I'm about to send him to fuck but I unlock the elevator that starts again.  
\- Look, I got my shits, can I have my shits? I don’t always have the truth in my hand, huh? Maybe you have to worry, what do I know? You know the difference between the Rafa who wants his spaces and who hides you something, right? Why do you have to live relationships this way? You can’t do it, especially with someone who hates being controlled and obsessed! Roger, you have to calm down or at this point you should let him. - I exploded because I'm desperately trying not to tell him what I know, the doors open, and I run away as he stays silent, looking at me. What can I say? What the hell do you want me to tell you, can I know?  
I almost got to the room when he reaches me and he takes again my arm by stopping.  
\- What do you know? - Why, why the hell he does it always?  
How, especially?  
Damn Roger that understands, he always understands ... well, almost everything. Because he doesn't know I'm in love with him.  
\- Nothing, I don't know a fuck and I want to be left in peace! -  
\- But what have you, why do you do this? - Hold on without letting me enter in my room.  
\- My shits! - I try to be abrupt and bad to shake him off, but the more I do it, the more he try to get stuck to know. Why does he do that !?  
\- Which? I'm your friend, if you have any problems, why don’t you talk to me? I always talk, but ... - I sigh, what the hell do I tell him? I have to tell him something and have to be convincing, otherwise he will not let it go.  
\- Problems with my pseudo-companion! - And here it is. I never said I have one, much less that is Nole.  
\- What? - He’s stunned, shocked more than before. Perhaps this is not the case to say it in the corridor. I sigh, I open the door and I hint him to come in a moment, so he follows me upset.  
He stays dazed in the middle of the room.  
\- I am gay. Or bisexual, I don’t know ... after all I'm married and I have a daughter ... -  
\- So you betray her with a guy? You too? That's why you were so normal when I told you about me ... but since when? - Now he starts with questions to know everything. But how is he done? Suddenly the reflections on me I hate, shadowing is my specialty, I'm fine.  
I cling to my shoulders and I stand in the closet, my arms folded, uncertain air.  
\- A few months ... I didn’t tell you because it was nothing important, it was just a sexual outburst ... and then you always had something with Rafa and ... well, it didn’t seems anything. - He sighs and makes the air a little disappointed, he's really impressed with this. Now what I do, help Nole and tell him I'm with him so Roger slows down on Rafa, or do I shut up and let him take care of himself?  
After all, why should I help them?  
Rafa can’t avoid it forever, he has to face it.  
\- But is it ... betray your wife with a man, I have made a state of affairs on this, I have been tormenting you with this thing for months and ... - I look up my shoulders looking away, I'm bored.  
\- But it's not the same thing.  You've taken by Rafa, feel something ... that's why you did it, in the end. Me for him no, is friendship, a good relationship, but it's basically sex ... - Roger tries to take it quickly and concentrates on what I said before, but you understand that he's insecure, as if he does touched much more than it should. And in fact I find it strange.  
\- What's wrong with him? -  
Sigh again, I want to disappear, but I look well and try to figure out what happens to him.  
\- I'm fine, I assure you. But he is in love with another and now it looks like they're having something and I wonder if I need to find another one, if he tells me, if ... Roger frowned and scratched his neck without understanding.  
\- But what do you feel? It depends on this, no? - I don’t understand then.  
\- Why? - Roger opens his hands up as though he were laying a plate on me.  
\- Well, what do you care if he goes with this one? If for you it's just sex you should not think about... you find another if it's just for a sexual outbreak with a man. Or is he in particular? - I'm digging the ditch. I try to answer right away so it doesn’t look like an excuse.  
\- It's just sex. I don’t feel anything. - And here he looks relieved. I see it well and it starts to create me some chaos. But what's going on? - But it hurts to be dumped. -  
\- But if you just go by sex ... - He insist on this, I should not feel anything, it should not be import it.  
\- Yes, but it's always him, is not? I didn’t just fuck him once ... - Actually I don’t care about Nole and Rafa, but I'm doing an experiment.  And Roger is doing well to us.  
Roger approaches slowly, stops in front of me, his head bent sideways and suddenly Rafa is wiped out, he just has to understand me, as if it were the most important thing in the world and I hold my breath.  
\- I don’t get it, though. Why did you go with him? - I hold my shoulders.  
\- I understood that I didn’t love my wife, that I didn’t feel anything for her ... - I'm inventing a really convincing story, but he stops by touching my arm with sweetness. I shudder.  
\- Why didn’t you talk to me? - And now I go down.  
\- Because you couldn't give me what I needed at that time. - He raises his eyebrows. - Physical heat. What only a fuck can give. -  
\- But why another man? Why he specifically? - He doesn’t seems to have a reason, and I'm locked out of the closet, I can’t run away.  Anyway, I wouldn’t do it.  
I lick my lips, he looks at me.  
I don’t know what's going on, but it's clear that something is happening.  
\- Because when I realized I didn’t love my wife anymore, I even realized that I was attracted to men.  And he was there at that time. -  
\- And why did you keep up with him and didn’t you just change guy? - he wants to figure out if I feel something for him. What do I do, I say yes and I see how he reacts?  
I hesitate and he takes my hand. I hold my breath. He and his sweetness destroy me, his hand burns in contact with mine, but I don’t leave my eyes from him and he does the same with me.  
\- I will never have the person I really want, ever. But with him I'm well enough to find the escape, the loophole I need to withstand this shit. - Now it's almost clear, I don’t know if he is or he does, maybe he understands but doesn’t want to face it, but he takes my hand to his mouth and kisses it, and I don’t think it's a thing between friends, I don’t think so. God Roger, what are you doing?  
\- Then don’t feel anything for him, is it just a makeshift, a pale imitation of those who you really want? - And here I correct him, looking him boldly in his eyes.  
\- The person I love. - And just missing his name!  
We look silently, he caresses my hand with his mouth, then always looks at me carefully murmur slowly, the tip of my fingers touches the inside of his lips for a moment. I get excited.  
\- Why didn’t you tell me anything? Not that you don't love your wife but that you love another man and who deviate on another yet? Why? - He seems to be touched and disappointed, tormented by this and pushed by his mouth on my hand, in the end I can’t do it anymore.  
 - Because that man I love is you, Roger. I couldn’t tell you for this. - With this I pull my hand and slip on the side knowing I've made it big, this marks the end of our relationship, the end of everything, everything!  
How stupid, a big idiot, that's what I am! Fuck!  
What did it jump on my mind to say it? And now? Now what should I do? Maybe disappear!  
I've ruined everything, everything! "


	17. One step back to look better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We're with Roger, Stan told him he was sleeping with someone else and Roger reacted badly, so Stan found himself declaring and throwing the mask. We see how he lives, how he reacts, and then what he intends to do with Rafa, who in turn has some secret to confess.

17\. ONE STEP BACK TO LOOK BETTER  
  
  
  
/Roger/

  
  
"It's like a shot, as if it lacerated me, it would break me. And then the worst and most absurd thing is that when I pull his hand away, I miss it. I miss to go crazy and see his back, he turned to the window, tense, silent.  And I'm here and I don’t think I cannot leave now, if I'm gone now everything ends and I don’t want to.  
But then I stop.  
But what do we talk about? Stan and I are just friends, very friends. But I took his hand, kissed him to tell me everything he was hiding, and when he did it, I exploded inside me.  
The frost prevents me from moving. I don't know what to do, I know what I felt when he told me about this one he brought to bed, what I felt when he said he loved another and what I feel now that I know that is me that guy he loves. Me.  
My God, Stan loves me and who knows since when and I spoke to him about Rafa.  
Oh Holy Christ!  
Suddenly the chaos invaded me, I don’t know what to do and what I feel, it just burned me, it made me go crazy to know he was with another and maybe loved him and then I'm glad he loves me. Happy, happy!  
I cannot be, it makes no sense. How it doesn’t make sense my hate to this person who brings him to bed.  
\- Say something now! I didn’t have to tell you anything, I didn’t want to! But in the end it’s gone and now you have to tell me something! - He starts hard, but he doesn’t turn and I move toward him.  
\- Watch me. - I'm afraid.  
\- No, I can’t. - His fragility explodes and disrupts me.  
\- Look at me or I will not say anything. - So he finally turns and with my heart in the throat I seem to be a kid.  
He has eyes full of tears, he is convinced that everything is over. I cannot bear to suffer.  
\- I did’t imagine such a thing. I don’t know how to take it. But I know something ... - And he keeps his breath and tears looking at me, waiting. I approach cautiously. - I will never be able to close with you for any reason. Never. So I hope you can withstand me in this strange situation until I assimilate it and I understand how I should take it. Because I cannot get away from you. - And so his tears come down, he smiles with relief, and he dries quickly trying to look stronger. But I like him so much, so fragile.  
\- That's fine! I didn’t want anything, I know that I am no more than a friend, nothing will ever happen, so I tried to content myself ... - But I embrace him by stopping his weeping that he can’t handle, his fragility killing me as I didn’t think.  
My sweet little Stanley. But what brought you in?  
What?  
And in my arms, he relaxes and weeps again, turns his head to my neck and weeps, weeps and hideth and clings to me, while I caress and I hold him tight. As my hand goes over his neck, then I crawl over his face, pointing to raising him from his safe place. And it does.  
He doesn’t breathe like me while we look.  
And here we are, here we are.  
This catch, this instant. Everything is erased and I don’t know why I do it, but I hate this small distance between us. So simply I cancel it.  
The lips on his, we interweave, open up and meet the tongues.  
Oh, this ... oh this ... this is dying ...  
The warmth, delicacy, sweetness I feel to kiss him.  
My little Stanley ... my ... oh God, but what am I doing?  
What?  
When I think of it, I break away with fatigue, face in my hands, I look at him as he is confused.  
\- I don't ... I don’t know what I'm taken ... I'm sorry ... I have to think ... - And so I take m off before he hold me back or I'll go further.  
What happened to me? What have I done?  
My God, what have I done?  
  
I think I have a terrible face when I introduce myself to him.  
Rafa tried to avoid me a bit, then I wrote a sms.  
'Please, I must speak to you.'  
Nothing else.  
And he came to my room.  
So as soon as he sees me he stops and looks surprised, upset. I'm pretty good to pretend, to put me on a happy expression even though inside me I am full of problems.  
Roger Federer is always good, he never complains and solves everything.  
But now Roger Federer is in pieces and cannot do it anymore.  
As soon as he sees me he stops at the door and doesn’t move, he’s cold and that Rafa is so cold, is really an event.  
So here we are aware that we both have something and it’s time to throw down the mask for both of us.  
Sigh, I sit slow in the bed, I stay in the toe and then staring at the floor, I cling to the edge of the mattress. I start to shake my legs.  
\- What's happening to us? -  
Don't spin around, don’t push the ground. I go straight to the point, simple, calm, with a tone that doesn’t allow replies.  
And, at his silence, I look at him.  
Rafa is always standing there, motionless, doesn't even lift a muscle. It's mortally serious, harsh, the severe look of who slept little.  
There is a long silence between us, he’s balancing what to tell me, strategy, I think. He could tell me a ball, he could tell me the truth or half truth.  
I read all his options in his eyes, a little panicked. His long, wavy, messy hair around his face that is now full of his beauty. He’s shortened them a bit, he's good, God is gorgeous.  
Are I gay or do I like Rafa?  
Perhaps Stan says the border between gay, bisexual and heterosexual is a very subtle line.  
Sometimes you are straight but you lose your head for one of your own sex. One. It's not that you're gay or bi. You like that person.  
Other people fall in love with you, no matter who you are, that is, systematically. You are attracted to someone, that either male or female doesn’t count. It's not really bisexual, but it can also be generalized.  
But me?  
Until now I thought Rafa was my exception and then Stan came, talked to me about his stories with others and then told me that he loved me and I went to tilt as if ... as if I hadn’t had the code security to control me.  
I took everything and maybe I was so spontaneous, God, so spontaneous as I have never been.  
But do I love Rafa?  
I love Stanly?  
Chaos invades me.  
I don’t think I'm gay, I think I'm losing my head for the people who come in and I get into Rafa and Stan.  As long as he was there I didn’t notice it, when I sniffed the idea that he could move away, that it might be of another, I saw it there. I saw it so well.  
So I feel something for both, very strong, so strong that I cannot control it under pressure, when I see that I'm losing them, when we're at the end.  
But I have to decide, I have to do it. How can I love two?  
\- Rog, I know I've been away lately, but I'm thinking a lot ... - The beginning is worse, I know how these speeches end, but maybe we are at this point just because the same thing is happening to us. We get something about ourselves that we had set aside so far to live something that filled us with euphoria, which was nice and enough.  
But here we are to think.  
\- On what? - I ask low, without softening, but not being too hard. Rafa leans on the door, his hands behind his back.  
\- On me. - Swallow, look down.  
\- What are you thinking about? - He sighs, he doesn’t like to do this talk, but he does it and finally pulls out this huge toad I felt in him every time he was with me.  
\- I have a problem with relationships and ties. I ... I may not be the kind of person who can have normal, true, right relationships ... maybe I'm not able to give you what you deserve, that I would like to give you with all my heart ... - It's a speech that sometimes it’s done because you want to leave, but you don't know the reason. But often it’s also true, it’s true that they have not been cut off for normal relationships.  
My staring eyes narrowing.  
\- But what happened to you that made you think? - Because we go, there is no excuses at this justification without a reason. We're serious.  
My heart begins to fight hard, I feel it well.  
It’s going this way.  
Just as I never thought it could go.  
I've bet everything about this story, I decided I could go against the principles of a life, betray my wife despite the daughters ... that I could do it because it was love, it was an important thing and in the end people talk about principles when is not in the face of so devastating situations to destroy them.  
Because then Mirka was duty, but he was the pleasure and I said ‘to the hell, for him is worth it.’  
And then instead ... and then instead ...  
We don’t breathe, we look conscious.  
\- I don’t know, I ... I feel like ... - He sighs, rubs his face and blows his wild hair, is he so beautiful, how can I get him out?  
\- Trapped? Is it because I control you too much, am I obsessed? I tried to loosen it, is not enough? I left you two days later ... three counting today ... - I acted. I'm here to ask him time and I'm trying not to get him out, because anyway I feel something, I feel something strong or I would never have taken my life in this way, throwing it in this mess.  
But I have to be a bit on my own, I have to.  
Sure with both Rafa and Stan I cannot stand, little but safe.  
I should probably choose one. Or remind myself that, although for duty, I am married and have family. Even though I don’t feel anything and I married her for pregnancy.  
\- I know, but you try to be so and I know you're actually there to think about what it takes me, what if I talk to someone there’s something or ... in short, even if you don’t tell me, I know what do you have in your head! - I stand up. I don't have to convince him of the opposite, I have to let him ask for space and give it to him, that's right. But it’s stronger than me. I approach by widening arms and gesturing with heart in my throat.  
I don’t control it.  
\- But that's because I feel important things for you ...- He sighs.  
\- I know, but I ... I'm not giving you what you deserve, what I wanted to give you ... or maybe I'm not ready now ... I don’t know! - I hold his hands as the tears reach my eyes, so I don’t have to do this, but I cannot avoid it because I feel frustrated at the idea that he leaves me. Even though I wanted to do it myself.  
My hands tight in his, desperate low look which avoids mine.  
\- But you're giving me what I expected, the fact that I'm jealous and obsessive doesn’t mean that I don’t trust or what, you give me what I wanted, which I was expecting ... you're not really ... -  
\- I betrayed you with Nole, Roger. That's why I don’t give you what you deserve. That's what I mean when I say I'm not done for normal relationships! Because just when I have them, I find a loophole apparently! A way to ruin everything, to make sure I never have anything for life, anything that grips me too, that keeps me there. - And he takes my hands off and slides to the side walking for the room away from me.  
My God.  
Then I was right to be jealous of them!  
It's the first thought coming to me, but I realize it's not the most useful now.  
Thousands of things in one instant explode in and translate into tears.  
And I kissed Stanly.  And why? Because I felt him less mine and then suddenly he told me that he loved me and I was moved from the anguish to the joy. He was mine, he was always mine.  
That's what I am.  
Selfish.  
And I am so much that I would like to stay with both of them. This is the truth. Because I don’t want Rafa to leaves me, but I have to see Stan again.  
This is Roger Federer.  
Messy, selfish. A real bastard.  
Because the truth is that we all would like to be perfect, honest, correct and right, but in fact we are just a pack of selfish, capricious, petty.  
I'm stay with back, I don’t know what he does, I have no idea, is that I don’t know what to do.  
\- I'm a bastard. Insult me, tell me something! Come on! Because I can’t do it anymore! Nole has disturbed me, he has been troubling me for centuries, and now it has happened. But I can’t prevent anything! And you deserve more, deserve a consecrated one to you, one who loves you, one who never trades you, who lives for you, who always wants only you. You deserve someone who doesn’t have the idiosyncrasy of relationships and ties, who instead like to make relationships. I can’t, I can’t. I tried it, I thought I wanted it, to be capable, but I'm not. As soon as things went in a way I had to ruin everything because it was too tight, too ... prohibitive ... I can’t stay with someone, I can’t! - And with this second attack, I turn around and I cannot do it again, exploding because if I keep it in, it goes wrong for me.  
\- I kissed Stanley. - Silence. That unreal silence, almost. Like a dream abruptly interrupted. Rafa beats eyelids and looks at me lost.  
\- What? - He asks with a thin voice. Because his gaze is clear now.  
The look of those who think 'I have the air of betraying, but you don’t.' And then you remember. Remember, I am actually betraying my wife with you, so I can do it and do it again. I'm one who does it if you create a certain circumstance. I am this.  
I live in watertight compartments.  
Mirka, Stan, Rafa ... but if with Mirka I can do it because with her is a marriage agreement with our children, with Stan and Rafa I cannot, there are no arrangements, they’re pleasure.  
\- Stan ... - I clear my voice. - he told me to have a story with someone and while talking to me I was jealous as I've never been, broke down. Just told me that it was something to reject the love he felt for me ... I don’t know, I was so happy, so undeniably happy to have him for me again ... I kissed him. - Silence, again.  
Today we are talking hard, but maybe we do it for the first time.  
How many things didn’t say, huh?  
Rafa is shocked and sits, eyes gapped, air lean down and I approach cautiously, kneel in front of him and I take his legs in hands, contact with his skin under the shorts.  
We both wince, electricity.  
Yet there is something, there is always something with him.  
That adoration, that desire to protect him, that happiness in making him laugh ... that ability to talk to him about everything ... except obviously of these shadows.  
I'm looking for his lost, shocked look. He doesn’t know how he should feel. Figurate me!  
\- What happened to us? Didn’t we really love us? Did we get it wrong? - I lift his chin to make me look, gently. He is really lost, as honestly I am. I shrug and smile encouraging.  
\- I honestly have no idea. Maybe. Maybe we have confused a relationship, a strong feeling with something very similar ... or maybe ... or maybe there are different shades of relationships, feelings, desires ... maybe you love in so many different ways different people and at the same time, but all are authentic feelings. My way of loving you and Stanley is different, but both are authentic. It's just ... - he finishes for me.  
\- Just make a choice, I guess ... - He doesn’t even know what to say, how to behave and maybe how to feel. It's a lightning bolt.  
It’s completely destroyed, as I am and this I think depends on the fact that we still experience something for each other ... but if that was the one strong thing, the one, the absolute ... we would never go with others, right?  
\- We have to think, reflect, understand what we feel, what do we want ... maybe we went too far to head in a pretty thing without understanding it well ... maybe you say you're allergic to ties, but maybe you feel something for Nole ... - Sigh and shakes his head shrugging.  
\- Nothing stronger than what I feel for you ... if we talk about feelings, Rog, I have no doubt. It's just ... - He raises his eyes up looking for words and explanations he cannot find. Then it remains, narrow shoulders, lost and confused air. - I don’t know, Rog ... I don’t want to go to bed with any kind of guy. But I love you. There are two different things, you are two different things. - I caress his face, he is genuinely confused and sorry ... and I understand because so am I.  
\- Maybe that is not the love we think, the one that binds two people to life, and that excludes all the others. We didn’t rule out Nole and Stan, after all ... - And maybe that's just right.  
There are loves and loves. And there are attractions.  
Rafa makes a delightful and delicious pout, then backs forehead on mine and closes his eyes.  
\- Take time to understand, without excluding anything.  - Then he opens his eyes.  
\- Not even ourselves. - He decides firmly. I smile gently and he seems to be feeling better.  
\- Not even ourselves. It would be impossible not to see you again, not to talk to you, to cut you off ... take the time to live things as they come without establishing rules and boundaries. Let's go where and how it goes and let's see what happens. - To this idea I see he revitalized, as if he takes color. A dried flower that rises again.  
Rafa is so, Stan is right.  
I cannot bind and confine in something that has walls, rules, and prohibitions. He must be able to do that hell he feels, how and when he wants. This is his charm, that's how he is alive, happy, animated, spectacular, that attracts anyone on the face of the earth.  
That's what Rafa is and he just got to know and left free to be this way. Otherwise, if I denaturalize him, he will no longer be him.  
So I stretch a little and overflow his lips, he return and opens it by pulling out the tongue with which touches mine.  
The kiss is strange, sweet bitter and with a bit of hope.  
It is not the kiss of the other times. However, it is a spontaneous kiss.  
Perhaps it is true that we have misunderstood our feelings...  
Maybe that's right, but in this case will tell us the time. Now how to be honest and free one another is the best thing to do. For how strange it is, and I don’t reject it, painful. But sometimes the courage to do the right thing is harder to win a slam tournament! "


End file.
